Salutations, my fiendish articles! Last time we left, you were summoned on a mystical quest by the mysterious radiance from a blackthorn bush you had espied on the banks of a river in Norway. Will you thus depart up river, like the heroes of old, to seek a hidden treasure? Or will you return to Oslo for a cappuccino and a herring pizza? Let us consult the vile and bitter prognostications for manic March and so discover. As usual, I'm late with the forecast, thus making it more of a 'hind cast' to begin with.
Thus, I will fill you in on what you've missed. Mischievous Mercury slipped a quick one into dark Pluto, the underworld god, then moved into perverse reverse. And so do we find you leaping from boat to riverbank to embrace the shining tree that is a symbol of all of your dreams that remain unfulfilled. And it is in this passionate embrace you discovered her thorns for you are severely pricked in doing so. Eek! And, as jolly Jupiter romped lasciviously with narcotic Neptune, the pricks reach deeply into your emotional centres (yes, you have them). Vamping Venus then entered idiot Aquarius and you recall childhood days and the décor of the family home. Egad! What an odd and errant memory! Now we're up to date! Let us look at what comes next! Marauding Mars sideswipes Uranus, idiot god, and you slip into a trance as you stare at the tiny bleeding gashes you have sustained. You fall senseless to the ground, moaning.
The Full Moon comes in aggravating Virgo, bringing a Lunar Eclipse that erases all your dreams of triumph, torture and total control of others, leaving only a vision of a mystic forest in your mind. The blackthorn and the very spirits of the forest call you. They promise abiding wisdom if only you will follow the wooded path. Egad! How arboreal! You agree to seek it. Gadzooks! How compliant! Having fallen senseless to the ground, you now lie senseless on it (logical really), dreaming only of the beauties of nature. Of course, the fantastical fornicating of ghastly planets is the cause of this, but I can't be bothered recounting the detail of their dastardly doings. Look them up in a book if you're interested. Suffice it to say that, as the great Sol Invicti and mischievous Mercury cavort in unseemly fashion, you come back to consciousness, determined to live in accord with the simple values that can be drawn from the world of nature.
The great Sol Invicti clatters into addlepate Aries, visiting another ghastly Equinox on an over-burdened world and you decide to purge your body and spirit of the evil humours of the past. Caught up in a frenzy of personal change, you lovingly cut a branch from the blackthorn and begin to beat your body. And, by my sainted aunt, it's bloody and excruciatingly painful. Yet, as always, the pain carries a grim and almost fantastical thrum of piquant pleasure. A New Moon comes in Aries, bringing a Solar Eclipse in the sign of the Ram! You stand in the dark on a Norwegian riverbank, a wild and spectral figure. You beat your bleeding body till either you're numb and out of your mind with pain or cleansed of the brooding menace for which your morbid sign is legend.
Gadzooks, my odious arachnids! Is this an ancient pain rite, recalled from the collective unconscious of the days of yore? Or is this another foolish risk that can only end in tragedy? Click here next time to see which of these two is actually the case. For, if you're cleansed of dark-hearted desire, then you'll be ready for the occult wisdom that the forest spirits are set to impart. If not, you'll look like a complete and utter loony! Ave, my fiendish articles!