Salutations, rulers of unmentionable places! How have you been coping without my invaluable guidance and unflagging support, you rancorous little servants of the eternal enemy?
As you will be aware, I slept through awful April, which on the whole proved to be a wise decision. And, were it not for an untimely and unseemly attempt to change my bed linen, I would have slept the entire of malevolent May as well. However, now that I'm up, I may as well do something!
Behold, my fiendish articles! It is I! Asperitus! The idiot savant! I have returned to the frey to give you earache in your ghastly little ear holes. So, let us get on with it instead of wasting further time in pointless badinage. Now, I shall begin with a hindcast or rearward view (eek) as we've missed most of the month. However, nothing of import happened. Besides, being a fixed sign and therefore a stubborn and wilful creature, you would have gone ahead and done what you wished to do regardless of any advice given on the topic of your life and times.
The month began with a nasty Full Moon in your evil sign. You will have erupted into vile rage, threatened death for those that offended you and frightened small children and dogs with your furious glances. However, as this is consistent with your usual behaviour, no one will have noticed any difference. As grim Saturn then performed a horizontal polka with mischievous Mercury and the great Sol Invicti, the targets of your rage will have complained to the relevant authorities. You, of course, will have denied everything and shifted the blame for the offence onto their shoulders. As vamping Venus groped the nether regions of dark Pluto, you will have embezzled monies from a variety of sources and conducted secret affairs for power or financial gain. As vamping Venus slithered into slimy Cancer you will have engaged in foreign liaisons and some foreign cuisine as well. At the same time though, mischievous Mercury slipped a quickie into the private parts of narcotic Neptune and you will have lied to persons in your family or household or experienced a crisis of confidence that you communicated to no other being.
As the busy messenger then rolled on into supple and perverted Gemini, you will have sold secrets or bought them whilst organizing questionable financial deals that would benefit you or destroy others. As jolly Jupiter rogered the bollocks off Uranus, the dribbling idiot god, and marauding Mars rammed the rude bit into the under realms (eek) of dark Pluto, you conceived a venture so bold or so foolish that all you have will be put at risk against the outcome. You will also have had a great deal of sex, for which you either paid money or received it.
At that point, a massive eruption erupted massively and the pillars of Heaven were left trembling upon their plinths as Mars roared and rampaged his way into his own addlepate sign, that of Aries the Ram. You will have hurled yourself into hard work, begun an exercise routine to build yourself a mightily muscled body or contracted a feverish affliction that gave you delusions of grandeur more grandly delusory than those you already have. As a New Moon came in cloddish Taurus, you will have snapped your fingers and love will have come to Scorpio Town. A fury of financial management or mismanagement will have followed as mischievous Mercury clattered obscenely through the Loony Nodes to make the beast with two backs with Uranus, the idiot god.
And, as the great Sol Invicti rolls drunkenly into nitwit Gemini, we return to the present as you get down to the nitty-gritty of raising funds (or at least appearing to do so on paper) to put this bold or foolish scheme to work. And what pray tell is the vital venture on which your entire future depends? As mischievous Mercury rolls into neurotic Cancer, we find you talking in a foreign tongue or in communication with mysterious persons overseas. You may also be snacking on imported seafood items in between calls. This new venture will alter your home life and your finances as you set yourself to begin again. Should you wish to know more, click here next month to read further piffle of a most outrageous kind. In the meantime, hail and farewell, odious arachnids!