Greetings, O sad and tragic rulers of the unmentionable bits! Last time we left, you were assiduously organizing dastardly secret things and raising funds for some vital venture upon which your entire future depended.
Now, as I was unwell at the time of writing, struck down by a nasty dose of creeping ennui, I have entirely forgot whatever piffle it was that I was making up to tell you. And yet, as my supply of piffle is inexhaustible, unlike the supply of contents for my little brown bottle, I shall just make up another lot for you this month, giving you the opportunity to begin life anew, in keeping with your own legendary (but in my opinion overrated) powers of regeneration. You see, piffle comes naturally to me. Thus, neither you nor any of the twelve will ever want for ridiculous drivel on the subjects of your useless lives, your wretched miseries and your soul-destroying failures while I'm around to light the road to grim despair. I am, if you like, piffle's nonpareil. Sit back and enjoy the piffle, odious arachnids! And some twaddle as well, for I am equally adept with this ancient art! I also do badinage, persiflage, trumpery and plain old-fashioned bollocks!
Now, on with the show! A ghastly Full Moon in silly Sagittarius begins the month, creating a nasty contretemps with the Loony Nodes. Thus, you decide you've had enough of devil cults, the underworld, cafes in Casablanca, Herring Zombies, séances, and scrubbing brushes to erase the moral ills of the past. You decide your friends (snigger) are a noisy and facile bunch of idiots that waste their days with gambling and foolishness. Thus, due to the evil fornication of marauding Mars and jolly Jupiter, you decide to get a job (eek), work hard (ugh) and save funds (aargh) for a new and more exciting life that will come as a result of making scrupulous effort.
Now, before it's rumoured that you're losing your mind, it should be made clear the 'scrupulous effort' will take you back to old and familiar territory, wherein lie the kingdoms of seduction, embezzlement, betrayal and body bags. With the bellicose war god buttering up to stick one into the wrinkly bit of aging Saturn, we find you in gainful employ. As vamping Venus then sleazes her way into lackwit Leo, we also find you with your eye on a comely thing high enough in the ranks to be a holder of computer codes and keys in your new offices. You turn up the charm and insectoid magnetism to force ten. This is the arachnid tradition! By means of seduction and betrayal, you work for power, position and the advancement of your own interests, using an alchemical mix of subtle persistence and voracious greed that is your gift to the world.
And, as if by magic, at the New Moon in supple but perverted Gemini, we find you idly discussing this and that while locked in a sordid embrace with your recently acquired paramour, redefining the notion of 'soft furnishings' in an office setting. A nocturnal perusal of the figures is also an ancient arachnid practice and, with the administration of a little narcotic (nasty Neptune is involved), you're free to secretly explore, putting to expert use the codes you have inveigled from the 'should be' secret source. With mischievous Mercury now moving in perverse reverse, you uncover a cache of your employer's undisclosed overseas interests and accounts as your latest conquest sleeps the sleep of Morphia whilst blotto on the couch you have recently vacated.
As the roar of the great Sol Invicti brings that vain and selfish creature into slimy Cancer, visiting yet another Solstice on an overburdened world, you set up a bank account in your name overseas, awarding yourself a most respectable fee for consultancy on a regular and ongoing basis. The company is trading in bogus vaccines for Mad Cow Disease and Bird Flu so they will not be anxious to have any irregularities investigated. You'll soon be rich and ready to run, my nasty little rulers of the anus!
But what's this? Great gods alive and dead, it's the crash and bash of marauding Mars as he bullies his belligerent way to cloddish Taurus. The attentions and demands of your new paramour take a sudden quantum leap! It's 'sex, sex and more sex' and always on the instant. Not so bad, I suppose, if you can overcome the boredom of the constant repetition! Yet the pleading and whining for favours soon mixes with uneasy insinuations of exposure and even outright threats against your person!
By my sainted aunt, it's early in the piece to resort to the body bag! But what can a cold-hearted insectiod do when caught by the press of events? Then, of course, as it always does with the ghastly and wretched mess you call a 'life', the worst comes to the worst. Whilst obsessively counting the hours until further fornications can take place, your paramour uncovers the truth about foreign bank accounts and embezzlements. And, as a good accountant should, the creature puts two and two together.
Great gods alive and dead, my ghastly types! You will either have a partner in crime or a funeral to attend. Click here next time if you want to know which one it will be. Hail and farewell, odious arachnids!