Greetings, O perfidious traitors and insectoid types of a most nasty nature! It is I, Asperitus! Pyromancer and reader of the ashes! I am here to make piffling pronouncements on a variety of unutterably tedious matters, such as your odious nature, your dark past, your ominous present and your tragically wretched future. Well, that's the pleasantness out of the way. Let us proceed with the vile and bitter prognostications as they pertain to jactitating July, a despicable and entirely unnecessary month in my view.
It would indeed have been best to sleep through it, as I had intended. However, ghastly persons of the awful arachnid sort kept sending demands that I awaken in order to service their neuroses. Normally (if there is such a thing), this would not have disturbed me in the slightest but for the use of carrier pigeons for this intrusive tasks. Thus, in an effort to arouse me, these peculiar smelling avians tapped on windows and canoodled their irritating love calls at all hours of the day and night. And then there was the clatter of their excrement as it struck the window sill and fell to the pavement below! By all the gods alive and dead, there will be pigeon pie in Heaven when my work here is done.
Speaking of which, let us begin with a recap of the notable events so far. You were, as I recall, on the horns of a dilemma, as the victim of your seductive ardour discovered your embezzlement scheme at the office where you both were in gainful employ (particularly 'gainful' in your case). Thus, you were faced with a choice of throwing in your lot together or throwing the dear wee creature from the roof. As the ghastly month began with the obscene encounter of vamping Venus, gloomy Saturn and narcotic Neptune, you were once again taken by an attack of nervous uncertainty and unable to make up your mind as to the proper course of action. Murder or conspiracy?
Thus, as mischievous Mercury moved in reverse under fierce assault from the private parts of marauding Mars, you took the poor creature out to bizarre exotic restaurants where you dined on unspeakable food in the company of mysterious foreign associates, hoping this would discourage the furtherance of interest between you. However, the wee creature found it all terribly exciting, increasing the ardent and arduous attentions given you. From there, things were excruciatingly dull and slow until mischievous Mercury moved out of perverse reverse when you put the final touches to your plans, taking command of the vessel of evil you were set to launch. You deceived persons in authority with a silver tongue and burning insect eyes, as you readied yourself to depart for the far climes and enjoy your stolen nest egg.
The New Moon came in neurotic Cancer and you planned an escape route, purchased tickets and bought a book of foreign phrases, including such traditional gems as 'can you direct me to the railway', 'where are the public lavatories' and 'will you exchange sexual favours for cash', all in a variety of Eastern and European languages. Marauding Mars rammed the rude bit into the nether regions of cranky Chiron and the balance sheet of stolen funds reached your set target. As vamping Venus slithered into anal Virgo, you hobnobbed with friends (so called), plainly dressed boring types such as inhabit offices in all the countries of the world, easy marks for the Scorpion's sting, as you had spent months collecting their bank account numbers and credit card details, just for a little extra pocket money. It's a nasty business, but someone has to do it, my tiny tweaking twits!
But what's this? Great barking bandicoots, it's a spanner in the works. The great Sol Invicti rolls and clatters drunkenly into lackwit Leo and your paramour comes to you, demanding that you make your decision. Throw in your lot together or all will be revealed! Eek! This is the hour of decision, O rulers of the anus and other nasty body parts! Marauding Mars, narcotic Neptune and grim Saturn engage in unseemly display, making lewd gestures and performing lewd actions. Thus, you're under pressure to provide sexual activity, a part in the plan and a share in the spoils!
Gadzooks, my profligate wretches! What will you do? You stand on the edge of a precipice, undecided, but Heaven is racked with troubling fury yet again as vamping Venus moves into perverse reverse! Eek! What does this mean, I hear you cry! Well, I'll tell you. Affliction strikes the staff as growing health problems, discontent over wages and general dissatisfaction decimate the office. From CEO to cleaner, they fall like nine pins, collapsing or resigning in accordance with their particular malaise. As the Full Moon comes in Aquarius, sign of the idiot god, a mighty surprise is sprung! For, it's you they ask to take charge of the company and wrest it back from the brink of destruction!
By my little brown bottle, there's a cosmic irony if ever there was one! For it's you also that is set to ruin the company by absconding with the lion's share of its funds. Great griping grandmothers! Will you be the dark destroyer or the white knight? And what will you do with this vexing aspirant for your affections and your funds? As I'm overcome with ennui and can write no more, you will have to click here next time and see what fate you choose at this crossroads in your wretched life. Ave, O loathsome little twits!