 aries  taurus  gemini  cancer  leo  virgo  libra  scorpio  sagittarius  capricorn  aquarius  pisces |
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 Asperitus Casting Runes... |
Ho to you, Taurannosaurus Ox! Welcome to the rant and cant of my vile and bitter prognostications for the month of jaded January. Is this New Year a happy one for you so far? I hope so! Great heavens, little bullish things! Don't misunderstand me! It's not that I wish you well. It's just that things will deteriorate rapidly from here, so a false sense of security would set the scene nicely.
Now, where were we? You had been spirited away by mysterious captors to a tiny island in the Java Sea. There, after a number of bizarre experiences, you were trained in the arts of the airline steward/stewardess in order to act as the pawn for your captors as they flew to Java on a secret mission. However, in midair on this, your maiden voyage, the plane is now threatened by terrorists and you, little bulls, are threatened by a situation requiring not only thought but also an astute decision that will lead to correct action. You are in a pickle are you not? And the depth of this pickle jar is well in excess of your own shallow reaches! As giant Jupiter wrestles with Venus the goddess and the great Sol Invicti, you simply allow the highjack to take its course, freeing you from the clutches of your evil captors. As the airliner changes direction in accordance with the course of criminal intent, you find that you're on a mysterious journey to an unknown destination once again, and lunch hasn't been served! The highjackers reveal that they are part of a radical environmental group. You find, to your astonishment (and mine, as I've only just made it up), that they are taking the plane to Brighton Beach in England as part of a campaign to save the Belgian sea wasp. So there you are! As Mercury the messenger moves into Aquarius and your solar tenth house, sitting in an airliner that has been expertly landed on the jetty at Brighton Beach, talking to an astronomer you've made friends with and sneering at your captors who have now become hostages. Ha! Who could teach whom a thing or two about sexual technique and immobilization now (refer last month's forecast to clarify this)! After several days, the astronomer makes some abstruse points about mysticism and the stars, even professing a belief in astrology, proving that she/he is an idiot. This ends the line of thought you were having about a sexual relationship with her/him since you can't understand what's being said anymore. When the NEW MOON comes in Capricorn and your solar ninth house, you start wondering if you'd better make plans about living overseas now that you've become a serial abductee. As mighty Mars makes tension with the Lunar Nodes, the negotiations between your captors and the British and Belgian governments reach a standoff. So much for the wasp! And, strangely, it seems that being a hostage is as dull and routine as any other phase of your life as all you do is sit around talking, wait for food to be brought and fantasize about sex. In fact, you've been in the place for a fortnight and the sands of Brighton Beach are starting to look interesting, especially where you can see the fish and chip shops in the distance. However, as Mercury the messenger then turns retrograde, a startling revelation occurs. It seems the astronomer is neither scientist nor mystic but in fact the airline CEO travelling incognito. She/he attempts to enlist your aid in overpowering the highjackers and regaining control of the aircraft. However, as mighty Mars moves into Aries and your solar twelfth house at the same time, she/he becomes annoyed when you hesitate and begins to assault you, threatening to sack you if you don't comply with the plan (you being an employee of the airline in case you've forgotten). This contretemps continues until you're black and blue and the highjackers are beginning to look suspiciously in your direction, wondering what's going on. You can push a bull so far, can you not, little steaks on the hoof? But then enough is enough! And enough comes with the FULL MOON in the dreaded sign of Leo. As Venus the goddess, the great Sol Invicti and Mercury the messenger in Aquarius and your solar tenth house all oppose the blazing light of Lady Moon, you strike down your sneaky assailant and leap to your feet. You declare yourself for the Belgian sea wasp and commit to a life of terror to serve the environment. As mighty Mars makes cosmic mayhem with giant Jupiter, you advocate mayhem on the distant sands of Brighton Beach. How wonderful of you! Do come back and see what happens next month! I'll try to remember to write something for you. TIP FOR 2002: When giant Jupiter moves into Leo and your solar fourth house, buy a really palatial home with a really big bed and get into it. Then hire a lot of servants to look after you and enjoy a life of indolence and luxury until your credit runs out.  |
 Aries, the Ram  Taurus, the Bull  Gemini, the Twins  Cancer, the Crab  Leo, the Lion  Virgo, the Virgin  Libra, the Scales  Scorpio, the Scorpion  Sagittarius, the Archer  Capricorn, the Sea Goat  Aquarius, the Water Bearer  Pisces, the Fishes |
