Asperitus Casting Runes...
Ho to the roaring bullocks! I have no doubt that April Fool's Day finds you as dull-witted as ever and the butt of all japes that friends and enemies alike have arranged for you on this auspicious occasion!
Speaking of japes, let us immediately press ahead with this month's vile and bitter prognostications and the cheerless practical joke we refer to as your life. Last month we left you in a pitiable condition. You were in a coma, held in confinement, under interrogation by the agents of a foreign power and travelling with a false identity. All this came about after a ridiculous kidnapping affair, your retraining as a flight attendant, a siege at Brighton Beach and various other pieces of drivel I'm simply far too weary to recount. Oh when will it all end, little bulls! Probably as soon as I renew my prescription!
However, as the month of awful April begins, giant Jupiter and Chiron the wounded healer are wrestling in the Heavens, and being given close attention by the great Sol Invicti and Mercury the messenger as they do so. No doubt you will have some kind of spiritual vision while you are trapped in the depths of an overwhelming delirium. Perhaps the shade of a Grecian miner will come to you in glowing skeletal form and take you on a tour of the graveyards of the world to teach you of the futility of all human endeavour and aspiration (a good point really). Yet, with Venus the goddess now established in your sign, your affair with one of your captors is proceeding apace, despite your unconscious state (hardly a surprise to those who know you well).
As the great Sol Invicti and Mercury the messenger conjoin in Aries and your solar twelfth house, your spiritual visions reach their peak and you're inflamed with a strong but as yet subconscious desire to change your life. Yours is the sign of beauty, is it not? Thus you decide, after consultation with your spirit teacher, to give up this life of falsity and subterfuge, seeking only beautiful things and participating only in aesthetic endeavours from hereon in. As Venus the goddess squares mystic Neptune, your body is filled with an almost unearthly beauty as your subconscious hums with the resonant power of your, as yet, latent awakening. Your artful lover is in tune with this deep inner shift and attends to your personal toilet and dresses you in the finest of attire. You need only the moment of awakening, O things of horn and hoof. This comes as mighty Mars squares revolutionary Uranus. You sit bolt upright in your bed, fully alert. With uncharacteristic and speedy perspicacity, you take in your situation. You leap to the floor, take your illicit lover in your arms, bid her/him a fond but thrusting (Mars in your sign) farewell and then race from the misery of your confinement before either enemy of friend can protest or delay you.
The NEW MOON in Aries and your solar twelfth house sees you darting around the place like that 'damned elusive pimpernel' of the scarlet variety. None who have known you well would recognize you now. With Mercury the messenger in your sign and mighty Mars moving into Gemini and your solar second house, you talk your way into several temporary jobs, gather sufficient funds to return home and summarily do so. As Mercury the messenger then squares mystic Neptune, a little judicious deception gets you past the barrier of officious officials that stand between you and your native land.
As Lady Moon conjoins with giant Jupiter as both oppose Chiron the wounded healer, you say farewell to foreign climes and re-unite, tearfully of course, with your beloved hills of home. The great Sol Invicti moves into your sign and you are back in charge of your life once more, all these weird and exotic adventures being at an end. Now, for the quest of beauty! Venus the goddess challenges revolutionary Uranus and then moves into Gemini and your solar second house. You take work doing whatever you can to build up funds to finance your new aesthetic life.
Come the FULL MOON in Scorpio and your solar seventh house of partnership, you meet the love of your life, falling into a fierce and passionate embrace on the instant. As Mercury the messenger then follows the same path as Venus the goddess, you realize you need to draw back from the pleasures of the flesh and introduce yourselves to one another. That's when a surprising revelation stuns you, little boot-makers' delight. Come back next month and see what it is.
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes