Asperitus Casting Runes...
Salutations, my little thick-skinned bullish types! Last month I was writing a slather of outrageous drivel about your illicit doings in the skin trade and your subsequent fall from grace. As I've had to change my medication several times in order to cope with the ennui that breeds like a fungus in the effluent of your unspeakable bovine doings, so have I decided to change the story of your lives. Don't doubt me now, little bullish types! Nothing is beyond the power of those who have achieved the state of sublime irritation! And it is myself alone who has achieved this! Thus I bring to your bovine lips the oracular cup for the month of awful August.
This cup is resonant with a vileness and a bitterness, the like of which you have not tasted before! This is not a vessel with the image of a pestle to appease an imbecile court jester! This is not a chalice with the image of a palace to lull the suspicions of an English knight! Imbibe the bitter truth or begone for I am Asperitus, supreme prognosticator!
The great Sol Invicti clashes with nasty Neptune and we find you staring from a window, an isle of immobility in an ocean of mundane office tedium. There, you do a monotonous job and live a boring life, sustained only by the anaesthesia that may be purchased at any party or in any alleyway of the inane town in which you live. All previous stories at this dot.com have been drug-induced fantasies aimed at relieving the inexpressible ennui of your hideous existence. Mercury the messenger opposes mighty Mars and you argue on the phone with an irritable sibling about having no dreams and no desire to do anything for anyone. You hang up violently, smashing the handset.
Venus the goddess opposes nasty Neptune and you fantasize about having sex with your boss, or perhaps tying her/him up and thrashing her/his buttocks while the fires of your erotic rage glint beguilingly in the steel of a pair of Swedish handcuffs wrapped about her/his ankles. But, all the while you continue to say 'yes' to every request in that mind-numbingly bovine way you have. It's a wonder no undertaker has come to embalm you in error.
But what's this, little bullish types? Giant Jupiter, ruler of imbecile Sagittarius, clashes with the Lunar Nodes! Aargh! The Full Moon comes in odious Aquarius! Eek! Mercury the messenger sideswipes underworld Pluto. Yikes! Merciful Heavens, I shall have to lie down with a cold compress if this activity continues!
However, this cosmic eruption stirs you to action. You purchase a lottery ticket, win a fortune, quit your job and flee your tedious life. As the great Sol Invicti, Venus the goddess and Jupiter all disport themselves in irritating Leo, you buy a palatial mansion in the country. There you gather tome after tome, both literary and educational, hiring secretaries to read them to see if you can discover something you're interested in, apart from sex, possessions, food and values tailor made to shut down informed debate on any question.
As Venus the goddess and the great Sol Invicti enter Virgo, clashing with revolutionary Uranus, you begin a new regime of diet and exercise designed to increase your sexual powers. This regime is based on something you've read in a series of books called 'Philosophy for the Purblind'. You're so excited with the results that you pay for the author to come and visit you in your new home. She/he does and you fall in love, the relationship dramatically enhanced by the increased sexual powers you've gained.
Come the New Moon in Virgo and giant Jupiter's entry there, your life is filled with blossoming romance and business ideas as you decide that you will together teach and promote this great work. As the great Sol Invicti clashes with mighty Mars, you fight over who will be in charge, but this increases the sexual intensity between you.
As Mercury the messenger turns retrograde, you misunderstand each other when you argue so you come to rely even more on your physical communication. Great gods, bullish types! This is unbearable! Your lives are now too wonderful to contemplate! If you're to walk the path of riches and greatness, then life in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods is just too too cruel. I must rest now. I hear a small brown bottle calling my name! Till next month!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes