Salutations, bonehead clods! It is I Asperitus, oracle of bitter truth, come to open the lid of Pandora's box on the year 2005. God knows what's to become of you this year or, at least, the insane gods that rule a benighted universe do. So we shall curry their favour with imprecations and libations and thus shall be rewarded with a liberal dose of prognostication, vile and bitter. With nitwit planets grievously installed in silly Sagittarius and your solar eighth house as the year begins, you will be obsessed with sex and also try to work out devious ways to make money through foreign investment. You may study the occult practices of foreigners or become a shaman and perform fire rituals. When cranky Chiron enters Aquarius in February, you will take up a post as a professional shaman in Sweden, Ethiopia or St Petersburg. You will certainly become very odd.
THE JAPES OF JOLLY JUPITER: As the jolly giant is in Libra and your solar sixth house from the beginning of the year, you will consult health practitioners who dress elegantly or have exaggerated manners. You will learn to cook, grow blue flowers or keep a variety of exotic lizards as pets. You may ask people to be less noisy at work and even change your job because of unacceptable noise levels. You may travel to Vienna to take morning tea because of the coffee and rolls or you may travel to Nottingham and search for the sheriff.
When Jupiter enters Scorpio and your house of partnership at the end of October, you will fall madly in love with a famous or exotic person who will want to have sex all the time and live the high life without working. You will agree to their demands without complaint.
THE SOBRIETY OF SATURN: While the grim one travels in Cancer and your solar third house from January till July, you will be grim too. You will talk in a depressing manner, not tell anybody what you're doing and take a long time to get anywhere you want to go. You will moan to people at bus stops or in shops about your childhood and your family. No one will like talking with you. When Saturn moves to Leo and your solar fourth house, you will hurt your back while renovating your home or you will move to a bigger house. You will surround yourself with those atrocious pillars and garden ornaments you like and also have an elderly family member move in. This person will tell you what to do and how to run your home. You may try to drown them in a water feature in the month of November or you may pay a black magician to curse them at the end of the year. You will buy a castle and live in Prague or Bath or Damascus. You will plant a palm tree and sit under it.