Asperitus Casting Runes...
Salutations, purblind and cloddish bovines! How is everything in the realm of the sensitivity bypass? Last time your fortunes were a mixed bag, business success on the one hand capped of by a bout of temporary paralysis whilst in a difficult yoga position. This month it only gets worse as I, Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth am about to reveal. Read on and tremble, little bullish types! For these are the vile and bitter prognostications for ominous October.
After hours of contorted agony, your new friends from the beauty trade call at your house for a dinner party you'd organized previously and thus they find you in your straitened condition. While at first sympathetic, they then begin to see the funny side of things, something that eludes your good self at this point. They tease you, touch you inappropriately (you're naked) and write rude messages on your body in lipstick, largely to amuse themselves and perhaps to entertain the medical emergency team they've since called. Of course, as your friends are as clever and sophisticated as you, these writings consist of such amusing witticisms as 'tick where applicable', 'tear along the dotted line' and that time-honoured favourite, 'do not open till Christmas', side-splittingly placed about the appropriate orifice.
While your outer reaction to this humiliation is a simple risus constrictus, your inner simmering may soon give the lie to the bullish reputation for the taciturn response. However, under a raft of odious planetary aspects, desire for a bloody revenge gives way to mind-numbing depression. Come the Full Moon in imbecile Aries, you lie in a hospital bed, weeping for the lack of inner beauty behind the façade of those involved in the beauty industry. This soon becomes a lament for the lack of inner beauty in the world at large.
As Mercury the messenger clashes with cranky Chiron and sober Saturn, you put the recently acquired chain of stores on the market and thus wash your hands of these simpering, superficial new acquaintances. As jolly Jupiter clashes with nasty Neptune, you profit immensely from the sale but find yourself bereft of any sense of purpose or direction. You begin to wonder if it may be true that money isn't everything. Great Heavens, little bullish twerps! This is a sick and sorry state you're in!
As Venus the goddess clashes with nasty Neptune, you flee the hospital to immerse yourself in the seas of any and every pleasure that money can buy, embarking on a hedonistic odyssey to forget your troubles. However, your ship of pleasure founders on the hidden shoals of the inner ugliness of the people you encounter, thus leaving you to flounder in the oceans of ennui, more jaded and uncertain than before. Where will you find the beauty you seek? Where, O where, little bullish types?
The great Sol Invicti and Mercury the messenger move into morbid Scorpio, bringing a New Moon in their wake. You thus swear to abstain from all earthly pleasures until you find the partner of your dreams, one whose inner beauty will banish the dark shadows of ugliness from your world. After all, you read about the virtues of abstinence in a religious pamphlet once, even though you sneered at the time. However, the moment you think about this perfect partner, you sink into an even deeper depression, fearful you'll never find the ideal one, which would be somewhat of a nuisance as you're sworn to abstain from pleasure till you do. Vapours upon vapours, little bulls! As sober Saturn turns retrograde, you seek counselling to help you through this malaise. You visit an elderly therapist with a fluid retention problem. But, as Mercury the messenger clashes with nasty Neptune, you find he's even more depressed than you are and launches into a diatribe about the ugliness of the world.
Great gods alive and dead, cretinous creatures! This is tricky! Or is it trick or treat. After all, it is Halloween! Put on the mask of ugliness that suits a benighted universe ruled by insane gods then click here next month for more of this ghoulish twaddle! Ta! Ta!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes