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    Go Back  The Irksome Journeys of December 2003    Go Forward
    Greetings, bovine boofheads! Welcome to dreadful December! Prepare for the vile and bitter prognostications thereof. I apologize for any tardiness on my part. I overslept. However, nothing of note happened in the week I've missed. At least, not in my view!

    Mischievous Mercury entered miserable Capricorn, bringing depressing news from foreign parts while vamping Venus clashed with lugubrious Saturn, bringing obstructions or endings in matters with elderly foreigners. Last month we left you on a global quest for inner beauty, airborne after a vexatious start. This month we find you at the Full Moon in addlepate Gemini, a globetrotter, but worrying about money as the cost of this inane quest spirals out of control. A raft of ghastly aspects between odious planets sees you paying duties and taxes at each port of call. You're questioned by loathsome authorities and receive distressing news from home about the cost of a water feature in your extensive gardens.

    However, worse is yet to come, O twerps of horn and hoof! As marauding Mars moves into arrogant Aries and your solar twelfth house while mischievous Mercury turns retrograde, a contretemps develops with another foreign authority and you're arrested at the border of a war torn land, accused of espionage. Before you can splutter a protest of innocence, you're in a cell. A mysterious personage enters and, in an almost impenetrable accent, offers a simple choice. Become a double agent for twice whatever you're being paid or be shot in the courtyard that very moment!

    Despite the fact that you don't know what you're supposed to have been doing or what you'll be expected to do, you consent, driven by the twin inducements of avoiding imminent death and making financial gain, though not necessarily in that order.

    Come the New Moon in miserable Capricorn, you're kitted out in foreign garb and taught the eldritch syllables of a near unpronounceable foreign tongue as you sit down to a foreign Christmas dinner, but you still don't know what's going on. And then, little bullish types, the ugly truth is revealed as mischievous Mercury conjoins with the great Sol Invicti as they clash with marauding Mars on Boxing Day. It seems you've been mistaken for a highly paid assassin, an amoral mercenary who sells to the highest bidder. And, what's worse, little imbeciles of horn and hoof, they believe you to be in the employ of the deadly enemy that assails their borders.

    Once again you're about to protest your innocence when an offer of recompense for changing sides temporarily suspends your powers of speech. Even the food you've lifted to your mouth remains uneaten on a foreign fork. Nitwit Uranus re-enters Pisces as mischievous Mercury moves backwards into asinine Sagittarius and we find you airborne again. This time you're on a mission, little oafish things! Carrying a mandate for murder! Your new employers have sent you to assassinate the head of the propagandist 'media empire' run by their enemies. Either that or die in the attempt. And their insurance you will complete the task? Two shadowy myrmidons who loom in the rear seats as shadowy myrmidons so often do! Oh woe! Woe! Woe! Doomed are those who bear the curse of marauding Mars in the solar twelfth house! And what's worse, you've begun wondering if that new water feature is really worth all this stress. We shall see next month, shan't we!

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