Asperitus Casting Runes...
Hail to you, odious bovine boofheads! Last month we left you stranded in an insufferable foreign land, listening to the crackle and burr of an odious foreign tongue. And, all this as you wrestled with an inane plot that would have done credit to Enid Blyton after she had downed several quarts of absinthe whilst on holiday in the Greek Islands.
Thus, all is going as usual in your futile and pedestrian lives! However, a moment or two after fearful February begins, marauding Mars crashes out of your solar twelfth house (the cause of all your problems, other than the obvious ones that have no cure) and into your sign, my little bullish twerps. Thus you turn the tables on your captors! As you get off the plane, you deal to the shadowy myrmidons in your usual cunning manner. You simply wait for them to come up behind you, bend to tie your shoelace and then push them down the stairs (Mars is in your solar first house after all).
You head to the airport booking office. There you purchase a ticket and, at the Full Moon in fatuous Leo, put aside your ridiculous quest for beauty and the absurd adventures in foreign lands and fly home to have it out with your landscape gardener on the matter of this absurdly expensive water feature.
You arrive home unexpectedly, catching the landscape gardener somewhat by surprise. There she/he stands, a faint glow of perspiration, a deep attractive tan and a rather fetching bare chest, of the womanly or manly variety depending upon a certain obvious fact. Apply a cold compress and put two and two together to work out what the fact is! You find yourself overwhelmed. And, as marauding Mars and miserable Saturn cooperate, you seize a shovel and begin digging furiously into the earth, hoping to conceal the signs of obvious infatuation with a display of Martian energy.
Great Heavens, little bullish types! You're smitten! As is usual in such matters, the very thing you went to find in the farthest climes was on your front doorstep (or back yard) all the time. The landscape gardener! Come a New Moon in tear-stained Pisces, conjoined in unseemly fashion with idiot Uranus, you decide to spend your days and your fortune going into business, designing and building unusual and exotic water features. However, as marauding Mars tests nasty Neptune, it's not long before you're talking water features of another kind with this new apple of your eye. The discussion proves to be most agreeable to you both. And, with the great Sol Invicti and mischievous Mercury in wretched Pisces, this latest jaunt may prove to be as successful as your love life has now become!
Great gods alive and dead, little bovine boofheads! You may even be happy! Ugh! The very thought! I think I'll have to stop now, take an infra-sound bath to wash away the traces of such thoughts and increase my medication. See you next month, my little twerps of hide and hoof!