Asperitus Casting Runes...
Salutations, my little blockheads of horn and hide! Welcome to the vile and bitter prognostications for morbid March! Last time, we left you fondling the water feature of your gardener whilst preparing to go into business with the manufacture of same (water features, that is). And happy little bovines you were! We shall see what can be done about that, my purblind twerps! For I am Asperitus, oracle of bitter truth. And that which brings me to a state of sublime irritation is the twist of fate or crack of doom that says 'suffering is abroad in a benighted world ruled by insane gods'. Let's get on!
Vamping Venus enters your insufferable sign, so you'll be eating, drinking, making merry and playing with the water features that please you most. Great gods alive and dead! What's this! The Full Moon comes in odious Virgo, with mischievous Mercury and jolly Jupiter in attendance and your plans advance.
All looks well as the financial wheels grind out the necessary funds. There's talk of a book, entitled HOW TO PLAY WITH YOUR WATER FEATURE and a TV show, ERECTING A WATER FEATURE. Several major production houses express interest. Mischievous Mercury enters arrogant Aries and your solar twelfth house as the great Sol Invicti clashes with underworld Pluto and it's time to begin the drawing the designs that will astound the gardening world.
But what's this, cloddish things? Retiring to the study is not the same as retiring to the boudoir! You sit before the screen, fingers poised, but nothing comes! Egad! How awkward! Mischievous Mercury clashes with miserable Saturn and you feel jaded and depressed. You lose interest in sex and food. By my little brown bottle, this is serious!
Vamping Venus wrestles with nasty Neptune and you go to a hypnotherapist who puts you into a trance in order to discover your inner artist, but what you actually discover is a near fatal impact on your credit card. Come the Equinox and a New Moon in autocratic Aries, you take hallucinogenic drugs to stimulate your imagination (children, don't try this at home). However, marauding Mars enters idiot Gemini and clashes with eccentric Uranus so this experience just makes you twitch in an unfortunate manner as you wander the streets, dancing badly and singing off key.
As the great Sol Invicti tests miserable Saturn, you're arrested and jailed, pending psychological assessment or a severe beating, a choice that depends on the whim of your arresting officers. As you lie on the hard bench, still twitching ever so slightly, you stare at the bars. And then it comes to you! By all the gods alive and dead, it does, my little bovine boofheads! The inspiration for the water feature! You can almost hear the gentle flow! Click here next month and see if you can stop twitching, be reunited with your lover and design the water feature that will be called sublime by anyone who's ever turned a tap on. Farewell for now!