Asperitus Casting Runes...
Salutations, my little cloddish things! Last month we left you haunting dens of vice and iniquity, submerging your misery in a sea of anaesthesia and inebriation while indulging your darker desires in the fleshpots of concupiscent corruption. Sounds too good to be true, all things considered. I think we’d better do something about all this mindless enjoyment. And, to that end, let us consider the vile and bitter prognostications for manic May.
The Full Moon in odious Scorpio brings a Lunar Eclipse in your solar seventh house. Thus, a female associate you’ve met through your decadent doings falls unconscious during a drinking spree, involving you in an unfortunate altercation with the minions of the law and a Swedish ambulance driver. There is a scandalous fallout from this unfortunate incident and you’re shunned by friends and placed on community service, driving retired transport workers to their yoga classes.
As mischievous Mercury returns to your sign and vamping Venus turns retrograde, fortune deserts you as you find you’re struggling for cash and moaning constantly about how miserable you are (something we all know). And all because of a failed water feature! By my little brown bottle! It’s a wretched life in this benighted universe ruled by insane gods, is it not!
Vamping Venus continues on her merry backward journey, bringing you into contact with an old associate from your days in the media. You’re offered a job as a driver and, come a New Moon in your leaden sign, you find yourself putting a few precious dollars in the dwindling bank account as you ferry the latte set about town. Buoyed by the fact that you’re employed, you begin to sing happily as you drive, telling jokes and merrily describing the surroundings to your passengers, both the media set and the retired transport workers that you’re still taking to their yoga classes as part of your community service.
Great gods alive and dead, little imbecile bovines! In no time at all you’re popular once more and in demand as a tour guide. All this is due to a series of unfortunate heavenly harmonies that will doubtless pass as quickly as they came, leaving you once more bereft and oppressed in the time-honoured way. But that’s by the by! In the meantime, the great Sol Invicti clashes with idiot Uranus and you are catapaulted into business, creating a franchise, buying vehicles and auditioning singing bus drivers.
As mischievous Mercury clashes with nasty Neptune, you are forced to create holograms of yourself to meet a growing demand for you and you alone. It’s you the world wants, little bovine inflatables! And they’re prepared to pay, as retrograde Venus clashing with underworld Pluto will testify through the funds that flow into your coffers. You’re rich and back on top! But will it last? Click here next month and see!