Salutations, bullish chumps! By my sainted aunt, I’m sorry to have to say this, but it’s time for the vile and bitter prognostications again, this time as they pertain to the month of awful August! So, open your bovine throats and swallow the pills of gloom and despondency for I am Asperitus, the doctor of dastardly divination and the seer from the seventeenth tier of sublime irritation. Attend me as I hold forth, bestial underlings, if you know what’s good for you!
Last time we left you haunted by the your own ghosts, a multitude of virtual images of you from your days as a bus driver and tour guide. Gods, it seems so long ago! And, you’re also pursued by summonses and summoners as a raft of ghastly folk, qualified in law, tramped to the walls of Castle Bovine! What will transpire this month? Why, read on, little twerps of horn and hoof and you shall discover!
Mischievous Mercury clashes with idiot Uranus and you’re forced to suspend work on the masterpiece you were writing (the story of these tragedies) and deal with shenanigans in your study and at your door. This is because, as jolly Jupiter clashes with underworld Pluto, the legal folk harass you for money and, as the great Sol Invicti wrestles with mystic Neptune, the ghosts cavort about you in an unseemly manner. I realize I’ve already said this but legend has it that the bovine does better with simplistic repetition that helps achieve the required understanding.
Vamping Venus enters neurotic Cancer and your solar third house and you open your home to all and sundry and then begin behaving in a nurturing, sensitive manner to see if you can put off the importunities of spectres, corporeal and otherwise. Sadly, this does not work. Marauding Mars moves into Virgo as mischievous Mercury turns retrograde and you change tactics, this time ranting and raving as you thrash about the place trying to drive all offending entities away. This doesn’t work either so, come a New Moon in loathsome Leo, you run into the streets, intent on moving house.
But, great gods alive and dead, the demons of law and virtual reality pursue your fleeing form, driving you to a state of crazed confusion. Marauding Mars and mischievous Mercury clash with idiot Uranus and we find you cornered in a cul de sac, crying ‘avert’ to the legal folk and flailing at spectres in a display of aggression that is enthusiastic certainly but sadly misdirected. The great Sol Invicti enters Virgo, heading for a clash with idiot Uranus as mischievous Mercury moves back to Leo! You cry wildly and fling yourself into a display of martial arts to cow the offending presences, turning on a pyrotechnic tour de force the like of which neither ghost nor human has ever seen before.
And what’s this? Why, my little bullish twerps, it’s a strange twist of fate! Captivated by your dazzling grace and bathed with the luminescence of a Full Moon in tragic Pisces, the spectres join you in a line and begin to mimic your actions. The dancing ghosts become your students in combat. The minions of the law fall in to this as well, seduced by the spooky spell of this spectacle, they wave their summonses and waive their summonses. Suddenly, from haunted outlaw, you’ve turned the tables and created a ghost dance of the modern era to become a successful artist.
Yes, by my little brown bottle! You, bullish twits, are about to embark upon a career in the arts. Vamping Venus conjoins with miserable Saturn and the drama of the otherworld swirls about your contorting form, satellites in orbit to your Venus. A crowd gathers, applauding wildly and throwing money! Is all about to turn out well? Have you wrenched yourself from the brink of disaster yet again and planted your bullish toes on the edge of success? Click here next month and see!