- Tally ho and yoicks, my little bovine boofheads! Prepare yourself for sultry shenanigans! Ready yourself for rampage and roister! Alert your docile brains and venal natures to the arrival of savage September, coming to a paddock near you. Lo and behold, my little things of horn and hoof! It is I, Asperitus! Oracle of bitter truth! Tremble and quake as prognosticating is done in your immediate vicinity!
Last month, we left you waltzing the city pavements in a martial arts ballet, supported by a company of phantoms and lawyers, gathering wild applause and money from enraptured passersby. And, what's more, this living arts extravaganza may be about to become a victory snatched from the jaws of defeat, given the tragic failure of your tour guide business. Shall we read on and see?
I think we shall, as my medication still allows me to speak without gibbering insanely. Vamping Venus moves into Leo and your mother arrives just as the drama of your ghost dance unfolds. She comes, bringing a change of underwear, food and that lovely standard lamp you were always asking her to leave you in her will. Of course, she's heard about the disaster with the tour guide business and has come to rub it in by offering false sympathy. With idiot Aquarius on the cusp of your solar tenth house and Leo on your solar fourth, your mother puts on airs, dominates your life and is inclined to eccentric and manipulative behaviour.
But, by my little brown bottle, does mother have a shock coming her way this time! Marauding Mars grapples in an unpleasant manner with underworld Pluto and, from the crowd of watchers on the street, a dark-haired foreign person with swarthy skin leaps toward you. You adopt a defensive stance but he (Mars is involved) makes the sign of peace. What he then does is offer you a fortune to take your company on the road and tour the world with the astonishing spectacle you have created. All this of course occurs before your mother's eyes. Thus, you prove to her that you are not the useless failure she has always thought.
By the gods, there's an unexpected development, due no doubt to idiot Uranus in tear-stained Pisces. Come the New Moon in anal Virgo, you are appointed as the artistic director of a performance company that is soon to be the talk of the town. Great gods alive and dead, little bullish twits, you have become a bright young thing! Sycophants behave in a sycophantic manner in your presence (mischievous Mercury opposition idiot Uranus). Potential suitors stand in line in the hope they may experience your earthy bovine attentions (vamping Venus opposition nasty Neptune).
But what's that infernal racket? Why it is just that! An infernal racket! The gears of the cosmos grind! The wheels of Heaven turn! And the great Sol Invicti visits yet another horror upon this benighted world by moving into the odious sign of Libra. Jolly Jupiter follows. So too does marauding Mars. Thus you are plunged into a work schedule to create a program for the company.
But what's this? Your virtual images stand around, muttering about wages and conditions (they're just like you, remember). The lawyers, on the other hand, mutter about contracts and residuals, using legal terms not fit for polite company or the sensitive soul. Thus shall I abstain from using them, for my benefit alone! As well as these two groups, you also have a rag tag and bobtail collection of scrofulous artists, decadent actors and other persons of a profligate or morally bankrupt nature hoping to cash in on your success in the auditions you must hold to form your company. And, what's worse, as a Full Moon comes in arrogant Aries and your solar twelfth house, you realize you don't remember what you did on the streets and thus don't know what it is you're going to do now.
Great gods alive and dead, what's to become of you, tiny bullish addlepates? Success may not be so easy after all. You'll have to think of something wonderful to do. Gods, there's a problem in itself. To top things off, mischievous Mercury enters loathsome Libra and you overhear a little gossip that your mother has been spreading to the effect that everything you do fails and she can't see how you will make a success of this, even with the standard lamp and clean underwear. Is she right? Or will you triumph over all to become an artistic success? Click here next month and see!