|Great Heavens, cretinous twits! It's time to prognosticate upon your mean and miserable lives once more. And I'm just the prognosticator to do it too! For I am the oracle of bitter truth! Asperitus, by name! Fear me, my tiny raving loonies! And fear the vile and bitter prognostications for fearful February as well.
And, on that note, here they are! Last time, an experience in the desert with magic stones, spirit wind and your shaman lover changed your life. Or so it seemed. Now you have returned from your converse with the other side to resurrect a previous venture, that of landscape gardening and water features, though this time done in harmony with Mother Nature and her spirit folk. By the gods, it's as good as anything else I've heard in recent times. And certainly the mystic clouds in idiot Aquarius and your solar tenth house at the start of the month indicate that ghastly planets have farted there recently, thus obscuring any realistic assessment of your career options. So you may as well go ahead, little bullish types.
And so you do. With jolly Jupiter retrograde in your solar sixth house you decide to enter upon a program of dietary improvement and meditation to heighten your sense of contact with the world of spirit and make you an all round better person. As marauding Mars enters the miserable sign of the Goat and your solar ninth house, you roam the hillsides, whistling merry airs such as The Happy Wanderer and having invigorating philosophical discussion with the flora and fauna you meet along the way. At the New Moon in idiot Aquarius, you are set to launch the new business. You thought of calling it Spiritual Squirts or The Holistic Hose but finally settled on the more traditional Garden of Earthly Delights, in keeping with your conservative but essentially pleasure-loving nature. As odious planets penetrate the fog of snivelling Pisces and your solar eleventh house, things sail along nicely. Having the grounds landscaped by a shaman and a common or garden nitwit such as yourself appeals to people with more money than sense, this latter being a species that never seems to be in short supply, no matter how troubled the world becomes. But then, my little bullish ninnies, matters take a strange and mysterious turn as they so often do when one is resident upon a world that is the plaything of the insane gods who rule this benighted universe.
As usual, the trouble begins with the grinding of the cosmic gears and the screeching of the wheels of Heaven. Egad! Who can listen to the grim cacophony? Then it is that the darkest door of lunacy is wrenched wide open and another gruesome planet grinds its way into Aquarius, domain of the idiot god, and your solar tenth house. This time it is cranky Chiron. At first, you feel only slightly peculiar. In converse with members of the public and persons in authority, you develop an odd accent. And then, by the Full Moon in anal Virgo and your solar fifth house, you find yourself meditating so deeply on a water feature you designed that you feel that you have become one with it!
Eek! How startling and disturbing, my addlepates of horn and hoof! You have merged your spirit with a thing that squirts water! But worse is yet to come. By night, you dream of being a fountain then walk about the place by day with an erratic gait, carrying a water bottle and constantly filling your mouth then spitting out the fluid on the ground. You practice this until you can squirt a tiny streamer or a fine spray with equal ease, hitting a parched shrub or ailing bush with supernatural precision. You call yourself Madam Spigot and make risible remarks about tapping into the forces of nature. You laugh uproariously though no one else can see the joke. Your shaman lover casts a dubious eye in your direction. You develop a fixation that you can live on fresh water and the scent of flowers. You talk with manic intensity of S-bends and pressure gauges.
Great gods alive and dead, what's happening to you! Are you developing a complex? Have dark forces from the hidden world of spirit reached out to possess you through a leak in your aura? Or have you always been like this and only recently found the courage to reveal it to the world? Click here next month and see! Ta! Ta!