- Greetings, cloddish dullards! We left you last time in dire distress, though your courses on aqueous enlightenment were selling well to a public that is traditionally better equipped for expenditure than cerebration. The recent Full Moon had unnerved you while mischievous Mercury's perverse reversal had ruined the pinpoint accuracy of your newly acquired water-squirting skills, practiced under the nom de squirt of Madam Spigot. And, while new age loonies flocked to learn from you in droves, elderly Christians paraded before your establishment protesting the Satanic rites they believed you were conducting. Business as usual really, in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods and inhabited by clods, cretins and half-wits, all afloat upon a wide wide sea of sublime irritation.
So, what will it be this month, my tiny jug-eared galoots? Why then, let us consult the vile and bitter prognostications for awful April and discover! As proceedings get underway, vamping Venus conjoins in unseemly fashion with the great Sol Invicti in your solar twelfth house. Eek! This is a ghastly place, filled with heartache, sorrow and wretchedness. Thus do you begin a series of ill-starred affairs with wealthy those clients who come to your courses, especially the ones enrolled in the 'fountain dreaming' dream module, though you do find time for the odd liaison with a student of the S bend or the pressure gauge. And, by the New Moon in arrogant Aries and your solar twelfth house (eek), you're behaving in a tired and jaded manner, almost as if you no longer embrace the bright beliefs that set you on the path of gardens, water features and magic stones.
Mischievous Mercury moves out of his perverse reversal! Marauding Mars conjoins in unseemly fashion with nasty Neptune! And your ghastly sexual antics and secret liaisons increase. Vamping Venus and the great Sol Invicti clamber into your own cloddish sign and dive deep into the fleshpots of illicit pleasure. Fountain dreaming takes on a whole new meaning for your hungry students. For it's attractive you are, tiny my bullish twerps, despite your eccentric walk, water-spitting and generally leaden nature.
But what's this! Great thundering elephant droppings! It's a cosmic tragedy! The Full Moon comes in garish Scorpio, bringing a Lunar Eclipse to your solar seventh house! Gadzooks! Your secret is discovered. Your shaman lover is apprised by psychic means of the dirty deeds performed in secret by your well-used water feature and leaves instantly for distant climes, never to return. The consequent explosion of ill-feeling sees numbers drop away from the courses as the momentum of Christian protest troubles the pavements bordering your premises.
By my little brown bottle! Have these dangerous liaisons somehow served to banish the very magic that lifted you up from the depths of despair all those months ago? Of course they have, you addlepate bullish types! Mischievous Mercury then clashes with jolly Jupiter and you find the babble of protest and dissent is more than you can bear. Chaos blooms like wild weed in the garden of your dreams. Vamping Venus clashes with nasty Neptune and you, with your eccentric gait and water-spitting ways, seek to flee the confines of another defeat snatched, apparently, from the jaws of victory.
Great gods alive and dead! Is there no end to the snares of your own devising that you set to trap yourself? Click here next time and find out. Ta! Ta!