Greetings, frightful cloddish things! We left you last time in a state of high distress as you fled the market place of 'new age' water feature workshops and ran for the hills. This hysterical exodus was occasioned by the breakdown of relations with your lover (now departed) after the psychic disclosure (eek) of the wicked infidelities encouraged by the Lunar Eclipse in lustful Scorpio. You had put it about with your own water feature, bullish types! All in the course of clandestine concupiscence! And you have paid the price!
It seems the eccentric and involuntary spasms developed under the auspices of cranky Chiron in Aquarius made you more than usually attractive to the opposite sex for reasons no sensitive individual would discuss. Pinpoint water-spitting may also have contributed to your ghastly seductive glamour but discussion on that topic would take us to the edge of reason and beyond. Let us content ourselves with the vile and bitter prognostications for the month of maudlin May.
The great Sol Invicti clashes with jolly Jupiter as marauding Mars skulks into snivelling Pisces and you run higgledy-piggledy about the gracious surrounds of your mighty manse, built by the profits from the Garden of Earthly Delights, your recently acquired business. You seek relief from the urgent stress that screams in your bullish body. As vamping Venus wrestles with dark Pluto, lord of the underworld, you indulge in every unseemly delight solitude and wealth make possible then fall into a trance (or perhaps just go to sleep). In these unconscious deeps (mischievous Mercury clashing with lugubrious Saturn in unseemly concourse with the Lunar Nodes), you dream wild and outré dreams.
But what's this? Why it's a ghastly New Moon in your own addlepate sign, bringing unspeakable aspects to nasty Neptune! You decide (unconsciously) that you will no longer be a member of the waking world. You will instead become a mighty dreamer. Egad, wittering bovines! What sauce is this? Why it's the relish of hedonism and laziness for you will eschew the foolishness of work and business, and dwell only in the garden of earthly delights that is your paradise. You will leap the ha-ha and taste the exotic delights of the herbaceous border. You will frolic with the fruit and canter in the cornfields of the harvest of this Eden of yours! And, as we have come to expect, all this is due to the farting of ghastly planets too tedious to name as they cavort in aspects too hideous to recount.
Suffice it to say that by the time vamping Venus in nitwit Gemini clashes with the eccentric might of Uranus, the idiot god, you have sold your landscape gardening business for an absolute fortune and retired to paradise! There, as mischievous Mercury holds unseemly concourse with nasty Neptune and aided by strange growths from the herbaceous border, you sink deep into your dreaming. It's a wild ride, my noxious ninnies! Vamping Venus clashes with marauding Mars. Eek! Lugubrious Saturn inters himself with dark Pluto, lord of the underworld. Aargh! And then comes the ghastly Full Moon in silly Sagittarius and your solar eighth house. Ugh! What a place of obsession and black horror that is. A nasty realm indeed!
Ye gods and little fishes, my brainless twerps! You're now assailed by wild and babbling figures from the spirit world. It's as if the very forces of nature have risen up to possess you and have you as their own. They scream to have sex with you (eek) and feed you all manner of sweet and salty things! What will you do? Surrender to these feral powers or wake up from your foolish dreams, buy some decent clothes and get a proper job? I know which one my money is on. Click here next month and read a further exciting installment of Bulls in Paradise or the Madness of the Minotaur. Ta! Ta!