Asperitus Casting Runes...
Welcome to the awful month of August, dear bawling bovinities! Or should it be 'dear sleeping bovinities' for you of the richly undeserved success now spend your days reclining on a houseboat and chugging lazily down a river somewhere! No doubt they'll make a miniseries of your adventures, hosted by one of those mindless yuppies who talks enthusiastically about virtually everything in a way that makes you want to throw up or reach for a semiautomatic weapon!
After last month's resurrection and subsequent acclaim as a cult figure on the worldwide web, you may have nothing more strenuous to do than get your favourite servant to ring up phone bank on the mobile. That way you can ascertain how much the filth in 'filthy rich' has expanded day by day. It's wonderful being part of the age of technology and information, isn't it! It means we can get these nasty little machines to count our pennies instead of having to do so by hand. After all, there are so many better uses we could put our hands to while we're counting our money. And, by the way, if the transit of giant Jupiter, monarch of the Heavens hasn't made you either rich or popular just yet (I'm sniggering at this point, but you won't have seen that), don't worry. It'll either happen or it won't. And if you feel like suing because my vile prognostications haven't worked out in your favour, go ahead. But if you think that I make money writing this drivel for your entertainment, then your IQ may be comparable with your shoe size rather than the length of your inside leg as we previously suspected. Oh well, I suppose I'd better get on with it otherwise you'll feel left out and sulk.
Awful August gets underway with Saturn, lord of fateful reward in Gemini and your solar second house wrestling with underworld Pluto in Sagittarius in your solar eighth house. This indicates that you'll be so busy telling your financial advisers what to do that they'll get sick of your controlling tactics and your generally poor thinking and quit. On the other hand, you may simply be so bone lazy that you leave everything to everyone else and they rip you off blind by opening up bank accounts in the names of deceased elderly persons and siphoning off your funds into them. Oh well! There's more where that came from.
When the FULL MOON comes on August 4th, the website that is foisting Les E. Rect on an gullible public decides to offer virtual sex with Les as an added extra and charge minute by ecstatic minute. There's even talk of inflatable 'Les' dolls. Do you realize, dear bovinities, this is something you've always dreamed about? Endless sex with no actual effort! You get to lie about on a riverboat, eating, drinking and sleeping while conjoined in ceaseless orgasm with the entire credit card possessing population of the world. When Venus the goddess conjoins with giant Jupiter in Cancer and your solar third house, the 'touchie feelie' bovine one accepts the advance and prepares to become a virtual icon for the limitless consumption of a mindless public.
When Mercury the messenger opposes revolutionary Uranus several days later, you get a request from the media empire to actually provide the copy for this new undertaking. Also, there's some talk that you'll have to provide the treatment for the miniseries on the life of Les E. Rect. What a cheek! You'll have to do some work! By August 14th, when the messenger moves into Virgo and your solar fifth house, you set about this laborious task, having sobered up and also recovered from the shock of being asked to do something.
With the great Sol Invicti opposing revolutionary Uranus the very next day, your home life is disrupted by constant communications from demanding persons placed at various levels of importance and power within the media empire. Stringent aspects in the Heavens on August 18th cause you to use the NEW MOON on the very next day to find a new houseboat and see if you can escape the pressure. However, you realize that there's no avoiding what's to be done if this idyllic lifestyle is to continue.
When the great Sol Invicti moves into Virgo and your solar fifth house and mighty Mars conjoins with Chiron in Sagittarius, you hire a new set of accountants, several bodyguards and a life coach who specializes in foreign languages, the Karma Sutra and the mystic tradition of shamanism. Then you set to work! Now, what was the title of that miniseries? My Life as a Sex Therapist! Brilliant! You're the same old bull you always were. Success hasn't changed you at all. Pity!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes