Ta-ran-ta-rah, my tiny chortling imbeciles! Last time we left you in a quandary, little boofheads! And certes that's where we'll you'll be found this time, should anyone care to look. Why would they? Honestly! And yet I must do so, otherwise they'll cancel my prescription. Eek!
Thus you must attend to me for I am Asperitus, the awful auspex! This is the month of manic March! And these are the vile and bitter prognostications that pertain thereto! Pin back your ears, O jug-headed loonies, and recline upon your beefy backsides! Grim Saturn launches proceedings as he grips narcotic Neptune in the foul embrace of his gnarled and wrinkly digits! Thus, you find you have lost all interest in career or profession or, indeed, obeying even the most basic tenets of authority. You make farting noises when addressed by parents, politicians, pedagogues, pedants and panjandrums. Even though you're targeting persons whose notability begins with the letter P, you make no sound at all when confronted by policemen for fear of arrest.
A Full Moon comes in irritating Virgo, bringing a Lunar Eclipse to your solar fifth house. You change your lifestyle, largely out of boredom or disinterest. You take up crocheting pictures of your favourite lollies or fizzy drinks on pillow slips and cushion covers, make gurgling noises when you drink and dress in a fish costume for social occasions, killing whatever romantic interest others had in you. You embarrass friends at the monthly meeting of the 'Save the Alexandrian Water Lily' Society by walking in an odd manner and talking loudly about sex or money. Of course, the flatulence of ghastly planets cavorting in nasty aspect is responsible for all of this, but I can't be bothered to describe such business in any detail. You can look up their names on the internet if you're interested. Obviously, you have time to waste if you're lounging about reading this drivel.
By my sainted aunt, what's this! Egad! It's a stunning reversal of form as mischievous Mercury begins to move forward! You suddenly wonder why it is you've behaved in this eccentric manner and wonder if you can change it all back. However, as you've lost your job, your friends and spent your money, stepping away from the brink of disaster seems an unlikely outcome. Marauding Mars cranks his shaft into cranky Chiron and you assault past employers, bully your therapist into giving you extra counselling and bodywork and then break into a brewery and get very drunk on stolen beer. Vamping Venus slithers lustfully into your cloth-eared sign and you alter your appearance to evade capture by the law but this does not improve your ghastly looks or slipshod dress.
As mischievous Mercury returns to tear-stained Pisces, you try to talking to old friends in an effort to win back their affection. But, sadly, as the New Moon in the odious sign of the Fishes brings a Solar Eclipse as the great Sol Invicti rolls drunkenly into addlepate Aries (eek! The Equinox!), your friends feign illness or yawn as you talk to them and then unleash a series of excoriating attacks on your person and character. These, as everyone knows, are execrable in the extreme so everything that's said is entirely merited. As marauding Mars rams his rude bit into the nether regions of narcotic Neptune, you decide to write fraudulent letters of resignation on behalf of all ex-friends so that they will lose their jobs as well. That'll teach them to be naughty in your sight! Vamping Venus lures cranky Chiron into a concupiscent free-for-all and you add dead insects, road kill and foul smelling herbs to the envelopes, just to facilitate the process.
But what's this? Ye gods and little fishes! It's a staggering event that is so staggering one staggers even to think of it. But I'm bored now and have lost interest. Thus will I stagger off to my bed, my little brown bottle and my silver tube before creeping ennui consumes me entirely. Should you wish, bullish types, to be staggered by the staggering developments then stagger back next time! If I have staggered out of bed by then you will doubtless discover what they are. That's if I can make something up in time. Ave, my darling boofheads!