Great toddling toads and barking bandicoots! It's you, my darling boofheads! Last time we left you riding high on a wave of unexpected success. You had a sea green car, a mansion with an aquamarine couch, a gaggle of gadgets one can use for sexual perversion and a great deal of lolly. Will things improve this month? Or will you lose everything as usual, due to ineptitude, ill fortune and the general lousiness of life in a benighted universe, ruled by insane gods?
Let us not waste time in the blither and blather of aimless speculation, my little future leather jackets! Let us rather consult the prognostications, the ones of a vile and bitter kind, for the month of jaded June, thus putting the matter beyond doubt. Now, as you will certes know (due to calendars and such) that much of the month has expired. While I did make an earlier start than usual with some of the ghastly signs, the effort was so appallingly laden with drabness and ennui that I temporarily lost what little consciousness I had and fell asleep or into a visionary trance, perhaps. Suffice it to say, I have just awoken and time has passed, which is largely what one expects time to do, sleeping or waking. Thus, there will be a brief recap and then it's on with the show!
There was a ghastly Full Moon in silly Sagittarius, causing havoc in your house of finance and erotic relations. Tension with the Loony Nodes was involved and so you doubtless had a contretemps with a friend or spent too much on something you only thought you wanted, leaving you with less funds than you expected. You also invited your erotic relations to a party but, as usual, they failed to arrive. Vamping Venus then sleazed her way to lackwit Leo and you went further into debt, purchasing furniture you could not afford to soothe your anxiety over the impending visit of a hideously opinionated guest you wanted to impress. However, as everything you purchase is clunky, overlarge and ugly, it is difficult to understand the fuss. You carried out secret liaisons or affairs with elderly or infirm persons in positions (eek) of authority or power, as marauding Mars made a scorching encounter with grim Saturn and narcotic Neptune.
Thus, we finish with the past and are poised on the brink of days to come, such days beginning with an odious New Moon in the idiot sign of Gemini, and also with various other offensive phenomena, engineered in Heaven by the insane gods who have nothing better to do than to make your miserable lives even worse. Ugh! Mischievous Mercury sets his supple musculature for a dose of the runs in perverse reverse. Thus, there is vigorous communication on matters fiscal from hyperactive or loquacious persons. There is also a dreary round of communication from persons that have thought about getting in touch with you for some time but, alas, have not done so because they (quite rightly) consider you unspeakably dull. However, guilt overcomes them and they call you and bore you with interminable conversation about their mortgages, their children and their ghastly parents. Thus, you spend more money, ordering the deaths of these hideous folk and the total destruction of all they own, as the just and proper vengeance for having to put up with listening to them.
And, speaking of listening, you'll be doing a great deal of that as the great Sol Invicti rolls and clatters on his drunken way to slimy Cancer, visiting another grim Solstice on an overburdened world. Gadzooks, bovine twits! You're assailed from every direction with lunatic gabbling and babbling and the worst set of unreasonable demands ever issued since God (shriek) gave Moses the Ten Commandments, outlawing almost every enjoyable practice known to civilised human beings.
By my little brown bottle, tiny turnips! People expect you to work, communicate effectively and do useful things for money. How awkward, especially as marauding Mars bullies his beastly way into your odious sign as Uranus, the idiot god, moves into perverse reverse! For, all you want to do is have sex, bash things and dream the dreams of yesteryear whilst hobnobbing with old friends. Thus, as lugubrious Saturn wraps his knobbly knees about the 'too too solid flesh' of narcotic Neptune, we find you hiding in the domicile, pretending to work. As the great Sol Invicti cavorts in unseemly fashion with backward Mercury (eek), you wander about your house, muttering in a sour and moody manner about how unfair life is and how much you hated your family.
But, by all the gods alive and dead, what's this? It's a ghastly Full Moon, another one, this time in the depressing sign of the Goat, bringing you astounding news from across the briny! By my sainted aunt, what can it be, little poobahs of the paddock? Well, as I am overcome by creeping ennui, I shall have to take to my bed and rest before I can relay this startling dose of startlement. Click here next time if you wish for more of this drivel. In the meantime, ave, my leather loons!