Asperitus Casting Runes...
Salutations, massive things of hide and bone! How fares Taurannosaurus Ox this month? No! Don't answer that! I don't really want to know. It's just an empty form of politeness I adopt to keep myself partially conscious during the tedious process of writing about your empty and meaningless lives.
Welcome to the month of noxious November, you drab collections of future leather goods! May it serve you as everything in this tedious universe ruled by insane gods serves us all, with a chaotic sense of purposelessness that gives and takes, elevates and desolates with neither rhyme nor reason to be had from any of it. We are snowballs in hell, little oxen type things! We are mere bandages on missing limbs and nearly as effective as analgesics given to victims of the guillotine. Sad, isn't it! Well, you may think so! Personally, I couldn't care less. Now, let's get on with it! Tremble as I prognosticate on the vile and bitter doings of noxious November.
The FULL MOON comes bright and bold on November 1st, illuminating the doings of your good selves, little bullish persons. What a treat that will be! You'll be talking about yourselves, demand-feeding and generally inciting hostility, contempt and even betrayal from your nearest and dearest, given Lady Moon's ghastly angle to mystic Neptune and mighty Mars in the loathsome sign of Aquarius and your solar tenth house. Perhaps you'll have sex with a Swedish medium while a Norwegian chemist watches from a distance. Or perhaps your newfound sex partner (chosen from the underlings of the media empire currently soliciting your services) will betray you with an attractive, drug-using computer graphics designer who has a nervous condition that becomes strangely exciting during sexual intercourse. Or perhaps I'm just making all this drivel up for my own amusement! Who can tell? Certainly not you, little stalwarts of simplicity and banal and linear thought! Read on, for god's sake, before I forget what I'm saying and lose interest altogether.
While Mercury the messenger and Venus the goddess conjoin in Libra and your solar sixth house, various ghostwriters and expert consultants toss around various ideas about the virtual tantric yoga school, with you forced every now and then to stop eating, drinking or sleeping in order to contribute. Generally, this contribution will be a witty remark such as 'ask someone else' or 'why can't you leave me in peace. I was dreaming about eating'.
As sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward wrestles with underworld Pluto, money problems beset you once again. Thus, you go on an economy drive, issuing an edict that all leftover fragments of soap used on the riverboat are to be squeezed together to form yet another cake of the aforementioned substance. Satisfied that your financial problems will soon be solved by this stringent measure, you return to eating, drinking and sleeping while trying to avoid work. However, when mighty Mars conjoins with mystic Neptune in Aquarius and your solar tenth house, a band of drug-crazed terrorists armed with water cannon hijack your riverboat and force you to depart for some odious isle in the Java Sea. Fortunately, it will take ages to reach it (or indeed even to leave your native waters) so you may actually have enough time to think of a solution to this knotty and unpleasant problem.
Over the lazy days of your abduction, Mercury the messenger and Venus the goddess move into Scorpio and your solar seventh house, bringing the sexual allure of your captors into the framework of your simple consciousness. Come the NEW MOON in Scorpio and a raft of disastrous astrological aspects that governs matters of sex, betrayal, death and acts of revolution, you become the sexual plaything of your captors. At first they use you to demonstrate foreign wrestling holds that have a variety of unusual applications but then the picture begins to change. The great Sol Invicti moves into Sagittarius and your solar eighth house while giant Jupiter and underworld Pluto wrestle in the Heavens. You're offered for ransom to the money men of the media empire but, strangely, they offer even more money to your kidnappers on the condition that they take you to the odious little isle in the Java Sea and never allow you to return. I consider this to be a sensible strategy but you however are quite miffed. Oh dear! Is that unrestrained weeping I hear on your behalf? No, it's actually guffaws of laughter. Oh well!
But, as the riverboat sails on and Mercury the messenger moves into Sagittarius and your solar eighth house, you have a sudden burst of occult perception. You realize what it is you need to do to save yourself from a life of misery and further lessons in the Grecian art, but I'm far too bored now to think of what that might be so you'll have to come back here next month and find out. See you round, little bulls!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes