Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Dear little virgin persons! Greetings and salutations! And how is everything in the land of imaginary illness and failed perfection? Have you a sufficient list of self-improvement resolutions to carry out in the New Year? Let us hope so! That way we may be spared, at least for a time, the attention of your critical faculties as you seek to nag and cajole us on the ways in which we might all live a better life. Interestingly enough, science believes that it is through the twin faculties of reason and speech that we set ourselves apart from our fellow species on this benighted earth, reason and speech being the hallmarks of your sign, dear little virgin nonentities. These faculties are said to be the mark of the very highest level of human evolution. It is thus clear that science is for imbeciles and is a discipline every bit as empty and shallow as any other form of human endeavour. But enough of this philosophical drivel! Let us get on with the astrological drivel instead. Here and now I, Asperitus, oracle of bitter truth, begin the vile and bitter prognostications for the sign of the Virgin in the month of jaded January.
We left you last time at the peak of a terrifying confrontation. Not only was the teaching program of the Society for Worry and Complaint jeopardized by the irrational actions of a jilted ex-lover, but also you were driven to the edge of sanity by an even more extreme act of dastardly behaviour. As I remember it (you see what I'm reduced to! Remembering the lies I made up for you last month!), she/he threatened your clean washing with a pistol full of dirty water. Quelle horreur, little virgins! Third World countries have been bombed for less (they have, actually). So, what course of action do you take to preserve the sanctity of your domestic hygiene? A tense standoff ensues. You throw your naked (you were in the shower when she/he arrived) and defenseless body between the gossamer beauty of your washing and the poised nozzle of the evil implement of filth, held in her/his trembling fingers. Then, as Venus the goddess and the great Sol Invicti wrestle with giant Jupiter, you offer sex in all of its most tantalizing and perverted forms if only she/he will only put down the gun.
It's not that you want this to happen! Ye gods, no! You were bored with the sexual technique and irritated by the body lotion. But better soiled ethics than soiled linen, eh, little virgins! And, you can always get more of the herbal remedy you used to get rid of the rash you got from the body lotion last time. However, your offer of a truce of this kind is rejected out of hand. What will you do? You've been standing there for two days now. You're tired and hungry, of course, but this is clean washing we're talking about! It is the universe itself that provides the answer. Mercury the messenger moves into Aquarius and your solar sixth house, so you turn the sharp edge of your tongue on this benighted individual, bringing to bear every conceivable fault both real and imagined.
As Mercury then conjoins with mystic Neptune, your ex-lover is just a shadow of the former self and being removed to a home for the bewildered somewhere far away. And, as the great Sol Invicti and Venus the goddess conjoin in Capricorn as the NEW MOON comes, you are master or mistress of your life once again and intent upon carrying out your former course. However, as mighty Mars makes tension with the Lunar Nodes, associates of your now incarcerated ex-lover begin to plot in secret against you. They determine to bring undone your plans for the society of worry and complaint. Unaware of this, you blithely go on about your business until tragedy strikes you. As Mercury the messenger turns retrograde in Aquarius and your solar sixth house, you find yourself struck down by illness. Great Heavens, little virgins! You'd best go to bed immediately. As mighty Mars moves into Aries and your solar eighth house at the same time, you'll either pay someone else to come to bed with you or spend your time of illness using your credit card to purchase fantastically expensive and exotic remedies.
But, as Venus the goddess and the great Sol Invicti also move into Aquarius and conjoin with the messenger and mystic Neptune at the time of the FULL MOON in the ghastly sign of Leo and your solar twelfth house, you have a startling realization. You have contracted a strange new disease that no one in the world has ever caught before. Yikes and double yikes, little virginal things! Do you know what this means? Finally, you can suffer and die while contributing to the wealth of humanity's knowledge. This is Heaven on a stick for the nagging nonentities! Come back next month and see what it is that is making you sick.
TIP FOR 2002: When giant Jupiter moves into Leo and your solar twelfth house at the beginning of August, you will doubtless have a spiritual experience and set off on another neurotic quest to better the world or save it from itself. Do wake me and tell me if you actually manage to improve the quality of life here, just for the novelty value alone.
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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