 aries  taurus  gemini  cancer  leo  virgo  libra  scorpio  sagittarius  capricorn  aquarius  pisces |
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 Asperitus Casting Runes... |
Greetings and salutations to the odious (if not odiferous) virgins of the Zodiac belt! How is everything in the realm of analytical perfectionism? Are you still as irritating and unpalatable to yourselves as well as all of your relatives, friends and acquaintances? Do say 'yes', you little band of carping harpies! I should hate to think that anything in this benighted universe ruled by insane gods could actually change for the better. Should it, by chance, do so then I should have to alter my position. Que'l horreur! Do you realize what that would mean, little surface-wiping nonentities? I am, by nature, jaundiced and, by posture, recumbent, and not disposed to remove myself one whit from either of these. However, my enlightened mind reassures me I am more than certainly secure from such horrifying developments. Oh well! Enough of these inane speculations and on with the vile and bitter prognostications for the month of fatuous February.
We left you last month with an extraordinary new disease, hitherto unknown to man or beast (heavens forfend that you would ever contract anything circulating in the animal kingdom). This promises to be a personal apotheosis and something of a fulfilment to your overlong and somewhat agony-ridden existence, but doubtless you'll find something to criticize about the entire affair. In fact, it hardly seems worth my while to continue as I know full well you are, here and now, searching for each tiny flaw to be found on every line of this page. In fact, I don't know why I bother at all, really! The pay's atrocious and there's never anyone interesting to write about, well, not in the bevy of boring bodies masquerading as living beings under the guise of you and the eleven other signs. Ho hum! Where was I? Oh yes, you're dying from some exotic and, as yet, unnamed disease. With giant Jupiter in Cancer opposing Chiron in Capricorn, it's probably some malady involving body fluids generally, the breasts, liver, heart and knees in particular and some strange and debilitating bacterium carried by shellfish or mushrooms that only people of your irritating sign are sensitive enough to contract. As Mercury the messenger moves back into Capricorn, the condition doubtless becomes worse, affecting your extremities and causing an assortment of ex-lovers and your long lost twins to come around and make light of your woeful condition. However, you bear all this humbly in that irritating way that you have. You also find yourself quite attracted to a co-worker from a community house where you once did volunteer work when she/he comes to visit and sympathize. If only you could move your hands! Oh well! As sober Saturn, lord of fateful reward, begins moving forwards, a variety of specialists come to examine you. They all agree there is no hope and though what you have is mysterious beyond diagnosis, it is almost certainly fatal in the most immediate and pressing sense. It only remains for you to record the stages of this tragic decline for the benefit of medical science. As Mercury the messenger comes out of his reverse motion cycle, you start to regain some freedom of movement, enough to begin keeping a diary of the twists and turns of your agonizing illness. Did I neglect to mention how much pain you are in? Oh well, never mind! Come the NEW MOON in Aquarius, forming a conjunction with revolutionary Uranus, your daily life is turned upside down as you set about the process of documenting this fascinating struggle against the forces of ill-health and disorder. With Venus the goddess now moving into Pisces and your solar seventh house, the aforementioned community worker offers to stay and nurse you through to the end. Of course you agree. Then, when Mercury moves back into the sign of Aquarius, you find that all this writing has help to restore full manual and digital function. You soon cement a relationship with your devoted caregiver. In fact, as the great Sol Invicti moves into Pisces while Venus the goddess squares sober Saturn, you decide to marry and spend the last of your days together in nurturing bliss. At the wedding, you invite all of your friends from all of those odious 'do-gooder' organizations you belong to and exclude your family entirely. There you are, O virginal surface-wipers, attending your this charming ceremony, silently criticizing the clothing of all in attendance and sublimely ignorant that a miracle is about to occur. In throes of sexual passion on your first night of wedded bliss, the disease you've been suffering is banished from your body. It goes as mysteriously as it came. You awake the next day as well as you've ever been (apart from your usual spleen discomfort and those irritating skin rashes). After your initial joy at such a remarkable development, you find yourself wondering and worried as the FULL MOON comes in your sign. After all, you were meant to blissfully sink into the oblivion of death after a few short weeks of agony and pain. Now you're married to a community worker and your whole life is still before you. What can you do to escape this connubial prison? Click here next month and see!  |
 Aries, the Ram  Taurus, the Bull  Gemini, the Twins  Cancer, the Crab  Leo, the Lion  Virgo, the Virgin  Libra, the Scales  Scorpio, the Scorpion  Sagittarius, the Archer  Capricorn, the Sea Goat  Aquarius, the Water Bearer  Pisces, the Fishes |
