 aries  taurus  gemini  cancer  leo  virgo  libra  scorpio  sagittarius  capricorn  aquarius  pisces |
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 Asperitus Casting Runes... |
Great Heavens, virginal nitwits! I have just uncovered an appalling fact about your odious sign. Did you know that Harland 'Colonel' Sanders, creator of Kentucky Fried Chicken ( and thus one of the founding fathers of fast food), was born under the sign of the Virgin. Good God, little surface-wiping critics! Do you realize what this means? Of course you do, O trusty band of neurotic do-gooders! You will have to resign instantly from your position as watchdogs and guardians of the sixth house, the house of good health, work and daily routines, and take up some other post. Perhaps you could join the sign of Aries! They think they know everything too, although they do talk loudly, eat junk food and hit people. No, that will never do! Perhaps you could turn into your opposite sign of Pisces. They're so tragic and dissolute that nobody expects much of them anyway. And, after all, it's your nature to carp and Pisces is the sign of the fish. But then they're all so wet and slippery! I expect you'd rather be a nice clean fish, properly dried and suitably employed in useful labour. Not much of that in the world of the miserable piscatorial types! It's a difficult decision, is it not! Still, at least you will have something to worry about as you read the drivel I have written to forecast your aimless futures for awful April. Quake and tremble in your practical shoes, odious virgins, for I, Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth do hereby prognosticate! Last time we left you, you were plotting to use witchcraft and occult powers to draw the unwilling public into membership of the Society for Worry and Complaint. This prestigious organization has been formed (by you) on the understanding that if a better world is not possible (and that is certainly true), then at least we shall all be made aware of what an imperfect world we live in. All true and reasonable, of course! An entirely justifiable stance, if anyone could be bothered to take it! And, of course, it is only the humble virgin who insists on pointing out the defects of everything within sight or earshot. Nobody else in this benighted universe (ruled by insane gods, in case you'd forgotten) cares that much! As awful April gets underway, giant Jupiter in Cancer and your solar eleventh house opposes Chiron the wounded healer in Capricorn and your solar fifth house, while the great Sol Invicti and Mercury the messenger clash with this axis. You are drawn, deeper and deeper into the grip of the forces of the shadowy underworld of your solar eighth house, but you find you're not having very much fun anymore. In fact, with Capricorn on the cusp of your solar fifth house, you never have that much anyway, due to parental rejection of the burgeoning sexual nature during puberty. Oh well! However, as Venus the goddess then moves into Taurus and your solar ninth house, you decide that a brief holiday in Cyprus, the Greek Archipelago or Tasmania wouldn't such a bad thing. It will, you think, rejuvenate your jaded spirit and doubtless there will be some form of organic growing of healthcare practice that you haven't yet encountered. As the great Sol Invicti conjoins with Mercury the messenger, you determine to take a break from your occult practices. On arriving at your chosen destination, Venus the goddess squares mystic Neptune and you find you are romantically attracted to an eccentric individual you meet at the local hospital. You've actually gone there to check out the hygiene standards in case you should happen to fall ill on your holiday. She/he turns out to be a shaman, skilled in herb lore. After briefly discussing the merits of several traditional remedies and some lesser known aphrodisiacs, you find yourself thrust into an electrifying physical relationship after trying a few samples. All this occurs as mighty Mars squares revolutionary Uranus. Come the NEW MOON in Aries and your solar eighth house, you're learning a few variations on the sexual rites that you were practicing back at home. As Mercury the messenger moves into Taurus and mighty Mars into Gemini, you become the willing student of this all too willing teacher of the magical arts. As the messenger then makes tension with mystic Neptune, the true secrets of magical power are revealed to you, but you instantly forget what they are, as you don't have a pen and paper to write them down. Never mind! Lady Moon then conjoins with giant Jupiter while opposing Chiron the wounded healer and you are swept through with revolutionary inspiration as to how to empower the Society for Worry and Complaint to become a dominant force in the world. Your wildest dreams are about to come true, little virginal nitwits! As the great Sol Invicti moves into Taurus while Venus the goddess squares revolutionary Uranus, you extend your stay in this paradise to further your studies of herb lore and sex magic. As Venus the goddess moves into Gemini and your solar tenth house, you take a job as a receptionist at a local hotel to support your endeavours. Come the FULL MOON in Scorpio and your solar third house, you're a virgin with a secret life, holding down a normal and ordinary day job. This is just the kind of thing you like. As Mercury the messenger then squares revolutionary Uranus and moves into the sign of Gemini, your teacher tells you that she/he can teach you no more, as you now know everything (a feature you have in common with the odious Aries, as we previously discussed). It's time, little virginal imbeciles, to apply what you know. Sex magic will allow you to, if not make the world a better place, then at least make us all realize how much we fall short of the mark. Click here next month to see how you do it.  |
 Aries, the Ram  Taurus, the Bull  Gemini, the Twins  Cancer, the Crab  Leo, the Lion  Virgo, the Virgin  Libra, the Scales  Scorpio, the Scorpion  Sagittarius, the Archer  Capricorn, the Sea Goat  Aquarius, the Water Bearer  Pisces, the Fishes |
