Asperitus Casting Runes...
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Greetings, hideous virginal wretches! Please sit comfortably without doing the washing, the ironing, next week's accounts, preparing the evening meals for a week in advance or indeed any of those irritatingly practical tasks you engage in whilst doing something else in order not to waste time. Sit comfortably but then prepare to squirm for these are the vile and bitter prognostications for miserable May.
We left you yodelling in a mountain refuge under the tender and passionate ministrations of yet another Swedish therapist. Those of you interested in astrology (unlike myself. I find it incredibly tedious) may wonder why so many natives of the Nordic kingdom keep popping into your lives! If so, please look it up in a book and don't bother me with your tedious questions!
Now, as Mercury the messenger is retrograde and the New Moon comes in Taurus and your solar ninth house with hideous aspects to mighty Mars and mystic Neptune, you find your mind wandering during yet another marathon sexual encounter. Actually this is not unusual, for you tend to use the time during sex to think about other things for the reasons outlined above. As a god awful raft of heavenly bodies, including the great Sol Invicti, mystic Neptune, mighty Mars, Venus the goddess and Chiron the wounded healer (to name just an odious few) all waltz around together, you have a marvellous idea. You will start a clinic of sexual therapy and scared prostitution right there in the mountains. You instruct your laboring partner to change positions so you can begin to write up the plans on your laptop. Your therapist can take a leading role in the sexual ministrations as you're already getting bored, and somewhat irritated by the way she/he cuts her/his toenails.
The Full Moon in brooding Scorpio brings a lunar eclipse to your solar third house while Venus the goddess moves into Taurus. You sell your possessions, resign your business interests, cash up your investments and purchase the mountain retreat, all before the afternoon therapy is finished. Mercury moves direct and your begin your advertising campaign. As the great Sol Invicti squares revolutionary Uranus, you launch your first retreat with unexpected success. As Mercury conjoins with Venus the goddess and both square mystic Neptune, everyone flocks to the ministrations provided by your highly trained team.
Then, come the New Moon in Gemini that brings a solar eclipse, a gifted yoga master from a far land arrives at your door (giant Jupiter opposition Neptune). You hire her/him as a teacher and engage her/him as a lover, gently informing your Swedish therapist that her/his ministrations are now required only for the clients. Just another busy month in your busy little lives! Farewell, my hideous little virgins, until next time!
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Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes
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