Asperitus Casting Runes...
- Greetings, 'anal intensive' neurotics! Hola to you, irritating twits of the virginal persuasion! Tell me, which is the more thorough job you do? Washing before or after sex? It would probably be all washing and no sex at all, were it not for the odious sign of the lustful Ram on the cusp of your solar eighth house of perversion and genitalia. And, speaking of genitalia, no doubt you've had more than several requests to take down your particulars in recent days, with mighty Mars moving retrograde in Pisces and your solar seventh house of partnership. Discarded lovers, drug addicts, defrocked clergy and the physically, intellectually and emotionally challenged would have found the temptation of your favours too much to resist. Truly, there are so many troubled folk in this benighted universe ruled by insane gods! Merciful heavens! The strain of being polite is more than I can bear without increasing my prescription strength!
Let us move forthwith to the vile and bitter prognostications for the month of savage September. As I remember it, you were involved in some religious cult or healing movement that improved the moral fibre of the global citizenry by thrashing all base desire from their bodies. Best kill them all, I say, and be done with it, but there you are! And, in addition to this twaddle, you had also fixed upon reviving your global hygiene movement with so many followers already in a weakened and penitent state. You order in brooms, damp cloths and organic cleaning product by the truckload. These are distributed to all and sundry with instructions to wait for your example then set work. After all, it's all very well to ask the masses for cleanliness, but only you can set the standard by which it may be achieved.
Mighty Mars clashes with giant Jupiter and you set to work with a cleaning demonstration for your inept (as it turns out) following. Retrograde Mercury conjoins with Venus the goddess and you find yourself everywhere at once, issuing instructions to the willing but unable bunch. Come a raft of odious aspects at the Full Moon in Pisces, you find you're compelled to commence a cycle of punishments for improper cleaning techniques in addition to those awarded for indulging in base desire.
Retrograde Mercury clashes with underworld Pluto and the air is filled with the sound of thrashings, as no one, apart from you, can actually do anything properly. In fact, as sober Saturn clashes with Chiron, there's so little time left for sexual activity that punishment is awarded only on the basis of poor hygienic practice. Strangely, though it's more important to you, your followers don't appreciate this as much as being punished for illicit desires. In fact, they find the process so boring that they leave the global healing network en masse.
As eccentric Uranus returns to cretinous Aquarius, you're alone again, a simple virgin in search of useful activity. You sigh a humble sigh and then prepare to get on with things once more. Not for you the drama of disappointment! Venus the goddess moves into Libra and you decide to look for work, as you couldn't possibly use the movement funds to support yourself, since it wouldn't be the right thing to do (yawn).
The great Sol Invicti moves into Libra, bringing a New Moon. You set up a laundry service to recycle the used bandages and sell them at a moderate price to Third World countries. Great gods alive and dead, what good little persons you are! As mighty Mars goes direct, you begin an affair with charities' liaison officer who collects the bandages, to stave off the boredom. No punishments involved (well, apart from a little bondage and spanking)!
As Mercury then clashes with underworld Pluto, you decide to sell the retreat centre for the now defunct global healing network and head for pastures new. Once again, you find yourself quietly seething with frustration and despair as the idea of global hygiene fails to make its impact. One day the world will be clean, little virginal nitwits! But, it won't be today, will it! See you next month!
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes