Asperitus Casting Runes...
- Salutations, my little virginal nitwits! What's in store for you this coming year? Well, I'll tell you, using the time-honoured format of the vile and bitter prognostications, on this occasion for gloom-filled 2004. Apply a cold compress, O nagging neurotics, and take heed for I am Asperitus, oracle of bitter truth.
With mischievous Mercury retrograde in silly Sagittarius and your solar fourth house, you begin proceedings with an assault on the home front. You rush about the domicile, cleaning, wiping surfaces and polishing the family or just the family silver if you happen to be single, as so many of you irritating creatures are, since none can bear to live with your annoying fastidiousness and constant criticisms. However, when you've rotated the entire dinner service to ensure each item is subject to equal wear and polished all the shiny surfaces so hard your house glows in the dark, you find you're bored and looking for something to do.
With idiot Uranus in Pisces and your solar seventh house, you take up with the captain of a fishing vessel and go trawling for carp, only to find you have a surfeit in this department already (carping! Get it!). Thus, after a few weeks rolling on the ocean waves (as it were), you hand in your life belt and head for dry land. Following that brief encounter, with marauding Mars in arrogant Aries, you start an escort service for the elderly (for the good of humanity) or join an occult society to learn about the afterlife, as anything would have to be more interesting than this present one.
However, as lugubrious Saturn in Cancer and your solar eleventh house clashes with Mars, you either develop a nervous twitch and have to retire from these personal services or clash with the head of the Occult Society by asking questions she/he is neither capable nor interested in answering. With jolly Jupiter in your sign, you decide to retire to the hills somewhere and live on nuts whilst crocheting blankets for earthquake victims.
However, when jolly Jupiter then moves into Libra and your solar second house, you get a real job to earn money and carry on as usual by being nice to people's faces while all the time inwardly criticizing their dress sense and body odour. Of course, with idiot Uranus still in your solar seventh house, you have more brief affairs, with artists, invalids, spiritual leaders and the other useless woebegones that fascinate persons of your odious sign. That's about it really! I think I need to rest now as I'm feeling unwell. Farewell, little virginal nitwits!