Great gods alive and dead! It's you again, my hideous Harpies! Last month we left you paralyzed with fear on your wedding night, broadcasting radio stations from various body parts and pulsing with undischarged static electricity as you contemplated the alarmingly crooked smile of your new spouse.
By my little brown bottle, it all sounds so wonderfully, perfectly irritating, I'm inclined to leave you there, just to contemplate the perfection of it all. However, tragically, this must not be, as change is the condition of life, even though nothing actually changes. An outrageous Full Moon in your unspeakable sign clashes with underworld Pluto. This catastrophic meeting sees the deadlock of this mind-numbing situation broken. Your spouse touches you, eager for the wedding night bliss, but your body crackles with power and you, little virginal nitwits, become an incandescent thing, a veritable 'Roman Candle' that throws fire and sparks to every corner of the room.
In less than a moment, the domicile that was to be the arena of your future bliss is ablaze. God knows! Something always goes wrong with you at the crucial moment. You flee naked into the night, leaving behind the new spouse (she/he may be ablaze too), the new life and the mission to bring law and order to a naughty world. Odiferous planets fart in the comic winds and you lose heart and hope. Will your life always be a tragic ruin? One can only hope!
You are lost, hopelessly lost now that your mission to do good is lost! Perhaps you can find yourselves out on the briny! You take passage on a fishing vessel that sails far out to the open sea. You have an affair with the captain, but after some nautical high jinks, you have a blazing row over how to scale fish properly and also over your constant measuring of each item of piscatorial splendour to see if it meets the correct legal requirements. An endearing habit of yours, well known to us all!
Thus, as vamping Venus clashes with nasty Neptune, you return to dry land. From there, you flee to the bucolic bliss of the countryside. Perhaps you can find yourselves there. You live on nuts and the satisfaction of doing good works, making useful things for less fortunate folk. How anyone could be considered less fortunate than your insufferable selves is beyond even my vast comprehension. And, you will note that all this is as I predicted for you this year. Fate determines and you obey, tiny carping ninnies!
Arrogant Aries ushers in the New Moon and the Equinox and you develop an interest in occult matters. You enroll in a course to study matters to do with sexual experience and the afterlife or life after sexual experience or something of that nature. Marauding Mars enters idiot Gemini and your solar tenth house and you find yourself strangely drawn to the youthful teacher who runs the study group. She/he is a somewhat limber individual with a background in tantric yoga. The great Sol Invicti clashes with miserable Saturn and you find yourself drawn to these stimulating new ideas. Marauding Mars wrestles with lunatic Uranus and you find yourself asking your teacher for tuition in some of the more difficult yoga positions that you need to master.
By my little brown bottle, virginal surface-wipers! Doors are opened this month that were better to have stayed closed. A whole new meaning to the word 'occult' is about to impress itself on your psyche and in a more literal sense as well. Click here next month and see what the afterlife is like! Until then!