- Great Heavens and dancing elephants, little surface-wiping ninnies! It's time to prognosticate in your general direction, uttering the expressions of the vile and the bitter that will, in and of themselves, communicate the utter lack of concern for you inherent in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods. Let us proceed down that path, sparing neither the horses nor the squeamish nor even the squeamish horses. This is savage September! And I am Asperitus, the oracular ogre, the runic rascal and the acerbic astrologer.
Pimping for Pinkie and Perky was the song of the Virgin last time we left you, as the great march forward for the army of Ned Ludd was becoming something of a rearguard action. Things were going well, my little virginal nitwits! But not in the way that you had planned! Will they continue to do so? Or will a nasty fateful thing occur, as is a commonplace in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods? Let us consult the vile and bitter prognostications and find out!
Mischievous Mercury is still retrograde in Leo and your solar twelfth house as things get underway. However, this nastiness is over almost straight away so it won't affect nitwit, carping, addlepate paragons of virtue such as yourselves all that much! Vamping Venus moves into Leo and the relations you have with Pinkie and Perky reach a new spiritual intensity. Their finely tuned mechanisms tug on your heartstrings (as well as other parts) in a fetching and deeply appealing manner. By night, their sweet services belong to all for coin of the realm. But in the morning and early afternoon they are yours and yours alone. And what's more, by all the gods alive and dead, the wee things seem to know this. Though they cannot smile, their gears hum at your approach. Their moving parts are smooth to the touch, an admirable quality in moving parts. Their fur glistens and their tiny studs gleam lovingly as you come near with the polishing cloth and that special oil you use, the one drawn from a mysterious Balkan flower, a red bloom picked by the hand of a maiden during the rising of the Sun!
Ah! Enough of this romantic piffle! Let us get on with the piffle of vituperation as was intended. Great doings are being done in the Heavens! Marauding Mars grapples with underworld Pluto, setting off a chain of explosions in your solar first and fourth houses, drawing in the great Sol Invicti and Lady Moon, then coming to a stunning climax at the New Moon in your insufferable sign. In a beatific vision brought about by a particularly sensorial exploration with your favourite ones, the goddess herself comes to you!
Yes, that's what I said! The goddess! Of course, it may have been the Virgin Mary or one of those other saintly, do-gooder types who are constantly bearing the sufferings of the wretched human race in their bosom. Suffice to say, a vision of female divinity appears to you and, as vamping Venus clashes with nasty Neptune, this figure implores you to see that it is Pinkie and Perky who shall teach the naughty world the ways of Ned Ludd. One dose of fur and ratchet and the old ways will be made known, for the goddess herself will channel the sacred sexual magic of the ancient ones through these old-fashioned gadgets.
By my little brown bottle, tiny idiot surface-wipers! This is all quite enticing! It is a startling and yet somehow entirely logical development that kills two birds with one stone. If you're a vegetarian, you can read that as 'cuts two cheeses with one knife'. Your path is set before you and the way ahead beckons. The Pinkie and Perky roadshow is about ready to roll. Mischievous Mercury clashes with underworld Pluto and a decorated cart is created in a moment to carry the beloved ones (that's what they shall be called from hereon in) on the journey of reformation.
The Heavens crash and thunder with unspeakable din as the great Sol Invicti visits yet again an egregious horror on the world by rolling into the odious sign of Libra. Thus, the coins roll into your coffers as the Pinkie and Perky roadshow rolls into tiny hamlet and sleepy village, especially as jolly Jupiter and marauding Mars follow suit into the insufferable sign of so-called partnership. 'In some things,' cries bevy after bevy of locals, 'the old ways are best'. The Full Moon blazes in arrogant Aries and the rash cries of a deep and spiritual satisfaction fill the night. Then, the mischievous messenger enters Libra and your roadshow must hire a rather comely set of mountain twins to keep a tally on the coffers.
Great gods alive and dead! Where are the tragedies, crises and disasters that normally beset your crusades? It seems they are things of the past, for the moment. Why even the very fur on Pinkie and Perky shines with a beguiling lustre. In fact, it seems more rich and lush than usual. As though, impossibly, it has grown a little! Nay! It cannot be! On second thoughts, click here next month and see just what impossible dreams may come true. Or nightmares! Farewell for now!