- Greetings, unspeakable virgin types! Let us not waste time in idle chatter! Let us just bring ourselves to the matters of moment in your execrable lives. These of course are sex, money and the Pinkie and Perky Roadshow! Last time we left you, all such things were proceeding well, almost too well in fact. Thus, in the hope of discovering yet another painful disaster, such as is the price of living in a benighted universe ruled by insane gods, let us consult the vile and bitter prognostications for offensive October.
Marauding Mars clashes with idiot Uranus and matters of sex and money become curiously intermingled, as they tend to do, for the influence of Pinkie and Perky seems to encourage friskiness on the part of all concerned in the great endeavour. Thus, there is a surfeit of sex (and thus money), but a strange shroud of secrecy hangs over much of the concupiscent cavorting, as is the case with the wretched sign of Pisces on your solar seventh house cusp. Should you wish to know why you constantly consort with artists, fakirs, liars, addicts and lunatics and thus live the life of unhappiness that you do, look no further than this curse laid by the idiot gods for the whole explanation.
Enough pleasantries! Vamping Venus returns to your insufferable sign, ensuring that, if things have been going well, they go even better in the matters of sex and money. However, with all of the shenanigans in the loathsome sign of Libra, floating about the cosmos in unseemly fashion, you decide that the appearance of the beloved ones (Pinkie and Perky, remember) must be the first, middle and last of all the things attended to. Mischievous Mercury ruts in the gutters of Heaven with the great Sol Invicti and the oil from the mysterious red bloom of the Balkans brings a lustre to studs and fur like never before. Their radiance dazzles the willing line of subjects as they come to experience ecstasy and thus know the ways of Ned Ludd in the disturbingly intimate manner that has now become proper to the process.
Vamping Venus clashes with idiot Uranus and it seems as if the beloved ones snuffle with delight as they stretch their little ratchets. Sigh! Jolly Jupiter clashes with idiot Uranus and, not only do local folk gather to the wagon as you travel the highways and byways but also do the rich and powerful leave their stately urban homes and come seeking, having heard both the word and indeed the sound of your coming. Mischievous Mercury clashes with cranky Chiron and your intimacy with the beloved ones reaches heights and depths you didn't realize existed within your quivering body.
The New Moon in loathsome Libra brings a Solar Eclipse to your house of money and a crisis to your life. Unfortunately, the comely mountain twins you hired to administer the coffers have taken too strong a fancy to you and are now jealous of your devotion to the beloved ones. Sadly, they'll have to go, my excruciating virgin types. What other choice is there? None shall question your bond with the beloved ones. Mischievous Mercury enters morbid Scorpio and a mysterious stranger does what he is paid to do. This is followed by a simple burial in their favoured backwoods climes, with a quiet ceremony and a generous payment to the families in compensation for the tragic accident that befell their children. All is solved in the traditional mountain manner! And so shall be the fate of all who try to come between you and the sacred machineries of Ned.
The great Sol Invicti enters morbid Scorpio while mischievous Mercury clashes with nasty Neptune and you sit, content in the covered wagon, polishing the dear ones, satisfied with your resourcefulness in problem-solving. You lie back, wondering (as you do) what turns life will take. Then you realize that because you are bound to the beloved ones, your life will take the twists and turns set by this devotion. How gratifying! To be the Mother Teresa of mechanical sex! What more could the Virgin ask!
And thus comes an epiphany to your humble self. A lot of the signs are having them this month so we wouldn't want you to miss out. The Full Moon in cloddish Taurus brings a Lunar Eclipse to your solar ninth house and you realize now it is time to shed the useless weight of all of the knowledge born from your investigations into higher matters and the spiritual path. Out with the sects! Out with the cults! Out with the nine million names of hygiene and surface-wiping that can bring one closer to god and thus save the human race by improving their personal habits. Only Pinkie and Perky and the way of Ned Ludd from here!
It is worth noting that, historically Ned Ludd was a simple fellow (for 'simple' read 'half-wit'). He had neither desire nor intent to create the Luddites and may have died completely unaware of the possibility that future generations would act in his name by taking pick handles to the machineries that offended them. But, as they say, never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Nor a good religious (note the oxymoron) doctrine either.
But, by my little brown bottle, we will not distract ourselves from your epiphany by discussing anything as demeaning as the truth! Let's have it again! Pinkie, Perky and the Ned Ludd have become your world of belief and all other beliefs are banished to the far corners of a distant realm. In response to this, Pinkie and Perky seem almost to glisten with a living light and stretch themselves like tiny living creatures at play. Great gods alive and dead, what's happening! Could it be! Nay! Do not think it! Even though marauding Mars clashes with cranky Chiron, do not even think it for a moment! And yet! You reach excitedly for the Balkans oil, noting that you must order more from W. Wolf and Son, the sole source of supply. However, you put aside mundane thoughts! Vamping Venus extends her lustful and decadent thighs into Libra and you settle into such a session of polishing, money-making and devotional sex that repair work is required on the wagon (timber fatigue) in the morning after Halloween. Enjoy the moment, insufferable creatures but don't forget to check under the bed for witches and hobgoblins. Until next time! Ta! Ta!