Gadzooks, my surface-wiping loonies! It's time for your dose of the dark and viscous liquor! Prognostications, vile and bitter! Straight from the dread cup of doom! They pertain to obnoxious October, a thing that is known to me due to there being ten knots in my handkerchief.
Last time, you received a gift, magical trousers given by a beautiful and mysterious being you met by the roadside. The being buggered off, as mysterious beings do, usually at the moment you most need them! However, the miraculous garment did improve the line of your buttocks and gave you a prestidigitatory injection of cash to play with. The latter was a fortunate development, as you had no money, no prospects and no idea where you were going or what you were going to do.
Of course, we blame Saturn for this parlous condition. This aging misery guts of the creaky limb and sour disposition is currently afoot in lackwit Leo and your solar twelfth house. Thus, your life's course will be determined by fate, tragic loss, depression, an inescapable past, misery and a tendency to self-destruct or become confused about what you want. So it is you set out on the next adventure in your gorgeous life just as mischievous Mercury grinds his passage (eek) into morbid Scorpio. Everyone that you pass on the road comments on the beautiful line of your buttocks and the beautiful trousers you wear. Many comments are salacious, some quite suggestive! People toot from passing cars or wave from a distance. As mischievous Mercury feasts on the nether regions of cranky Chiron, you're offered work on the strength of your trousers alone, though the line of your buttocks is also taken into account.
But what's this? You reach into your pocket to retrieve your personal organizer and record the growing list of potential employers, but what do you discover? Odds bodkins, little ninnies! It's more cash! The power of your magic trousers grows by the minute. In fact, you haven't had time to spend the money you already have. You stare in a bewildered fashion at the growing pile of dosh. And, as a ghastly Full Moon in idiotic Aries casts a nasty gaze upon the Earth, a desire to spend takes hold like madness. Eek! All those years of privation and suffering on the road and in the mountains seem cry out to be expunged in an insane and extended shopping spree.
You purchase a swag of beauty treatments, cosmetics (organic of course), coiffure, hair product and a full set of your favourite depilatory devices. You purchase household appliances, a gross of miracle 'all purpose' cleaning cloths and finally open a 'high interest' savings account with the remainder of the funds. All of this is due, naturally, to the flatulence of ghastly planets as they cavort in Libra and your house of money. But now, as mischievous Mercury gives cranky Chiron a cheeky shot between the thighs, you decide not to take the jobs on offer. Potential employers suffer from poor body or dental hygiene, lamentable dress sense and the jobs appear to be incredibly dull. You choose to say them 'nay' and decide to save yourself for something special. And, as if to justify this decision, you reach into your pocket, just as marauding Mars cranks up the heat on the great Sol Invicti.
And what do you find, tiny twits? More money! That's what you find. Egad! Indeed the magical trousers are lucrative but unnerving! You begin to wonder if you should do something with these sorcerous funds to make the world a better place for humanity. After all, the trousers and money are gifts from another realm, so why not pass on the benefit of what you have received? Idiotic preoccupations of this nature typify persons of your well-intentioned but irritating sign. As a ghastly New Moon comes in loathsome Libra and the Lights embrace marauding Mars in an unspeakable ménage à trois, a luminous idea strikes you! By my sainted aunt, it's an almost visionary revelation!
Egad, my little twerps! What can it be? Is it a far horizon that calls you on another insane mission to save the world, by reverting to the use of wooden nails or writing on parchment or petitioning for a ban on mobile phones and the return of the carrier pigeon?
Nay, my tiny timorous tikes! Nay! This time it's the handy sewing machine you've just purchased, so practical and so near at hand. You're inspired to make a pattern for the magic trousers, in keeping with those that you've been given. If your humble efforts can reproduce their mystic powers with money as well as the clarifying lines, then the world will have shapely buttocks and pockets full of dosh to boot. And you, humble ninnies, will be a redeemer of bad bottoms and bank balances in one clean, efficient effort! That of trouser-making! Tra la!
Ghastly planets fart and fornicate fantastically as they penetrate (ugh) the gruesome climes of evil Scorpio. Thus we find you busily at work with paper, pen and scissors and you work to reproduce the sleek, shimmering almost seamless lines of the magic trousers. Pure is your intent, O noble surface-wipers! Startlingly exact is the prototype you create!
But what will be the outcome of yet another of your efforts to bring good into a naughty world? The shadows of Halloween seep across the late afternoon as obnoxious October stutters to an unholy end. Thus do the threads of another dark and unpredictable magic weave themselves into the busy tasks you pursue, just as mischievous Mercury moves into perverse reverse in evil Scorpio!
What will happen as these shadowy influences make their mark? Well, as I'm all but expired from ennui, you will have to click here next time to discover the dreadful truth. Visit these ghastly climes in nasty November as a new tale begins. THE VIRGIN AND THE CRACK OF DOOM is it entitled! And, it's every bit the egregious piffle that the title implies! For the nonce, ave, my surface-wiping loonies!