Tally ho, little yoicks! It's ghastly news, I'm afraid! I'm going to disappoint you this month. Still, you'll be accustomed to disappointment, given the absurd expectations that you have. I've had a nasty experience you see! I was trying to write a shopping list for Christmas but I was soon overcome with the realization that, as I neither like anyone nor am I liked by anyone, it was a waste of time. And that's when the real trouble began. The Archangel Michael appeared in my bedroom, as he often does after 'lights out'. Instead of the usual ghastly business, he noticed my discarded list and began his favourite lecture, the one on sin, penitence, forgiveness and divine love! It makes my teeth ache and gives me a dizzy spell to listen to it normally.
This time it affected my bowels as well so I threw my little brown bottle at that fatuous shining face of his and, due to the misfortune of having perfect hand/eye coordination and phenomenal strength, I killed him. One's gift is so often one's curse! I believe the funeral will be held next week, if you're interested. As a consequence of this, I have been confined to bed and the silver tube I rely upon has been surgically inserted (eek). Thus, I have temporarily lost my powers of prognostication since I cannot use them in the prone position. And it's there that we return to the matter of disappointment. You will have to content yourself with a brief outing of chortling, chiding and chastisement to guide you through diabolical December, as I must rest and conserve my strength to make the prophecies for the unspeakably gruesome year that lies beyond.
Here then is the twelfth month in a nutshell! A hideous Full Moon comes in nitwit Gemini on Dec 5th. Authoritative persons will argue over imagined slights while persons close to you will take umbrage or behave in an excitable manner. You may change careers, move house, investigate your ancestry or learn to speak a foreign language. As marauding Mars batters his bumptious way into silly Sagittarius, you will cook hot food and do innumerable tasks about the home, while making loud and fiery sexual demands. A gaggle of planets in the sign of the Fishes and the sign of the Centaur then sees you discovering that you are descended from the notorious Spanish anarchist and punk rocker, El Cid Vicious.
As the New Moon comes in silly Sagittarius, you move to Spain, learn to play the guitar and give a lively rendition of MY WAY to all your Spanish relatives on Christmas Day. By the time New Year's Eve arrives, you wonder what on earth you're doing with your life and decide to write an epic poem entitled AMONG THE ALIEN CORN CHIPS. Hasta la Vista, baby!