Great voluminous underpants and griping grandmothers! It's you, my little carping loonies! I expect you've made do without me, hiding your grief and disappointment at my recent absence under the mask of busy efficiency.
I slept through awful April, you know. On reflection, it was a wise decision, one that all of you twelve would have been well advised to follow. However, I suppose that wasn't really possible as I was not awake to advise you at the time. Ah well! If I don't soon desist from this pleasant but meaningless banter, malevolent May will have also expired, leaving you without the benefit of sublime irritation in your ear hole for two entire months. And we can't allow that now, can we! How would you cope? Besides, the staff here in Heaven threatened to take my little brown bottle away if I don't get up and do something. So here I am! I've kept my pyjamas on in protest, mind! The ones with the teddy bears on them! So there!
Now, as to the coming month, we shall start with a speedy review of recent events and then turn our attention to prognostications of a vile and bitter nature, in the time-honoured manner. Tremble in your neatly pressed garments and sensible shoes, ghastly virginal types! I am Asperitus! The awful Auspex! Most terrible to behold but even worse to listen to!
It all began with a nasty Full Moon in evil Scorpio when you will have had a minor traffic accident whilst lighting a catmint cigarette, had sex in a bus shelter with an occultist from Morocco, advised a passing flagellant on the correct use of the hawthorn branch for self-punishment or read a moving tome on the use of witch hazel in modern healing. As mischievous Mercury and the great Sol Invicti took turns to roger grim Saturn, you will have become depressed or had an affair with an elderly invalid (depressing enough in itself). As vamping Venus grappled with dark Pluto, underworld god, you will have cheerfully served members of the public whilst leaving unspoken the dark secrets of your appalling home life. Venus slithered into slimy Cancer as mischievous Mercury slipped a quick one into narcotic Neptune. Thus, you will have gone out to eat with friends and moaned about your boring job. One of those smart-mouthed friends that you specialize in having around just to annoy you will then have lectured you about what you ought to be doing, just as mischievous Mercury sidled into idiot Gemini. However, as jolly Jupiter rogered the bollocks off Uranus, the idiot god, while marauding Mars rammed his rude bit into dark Pluto, you will have lost patience with this talkative, superficial creature. Thus, you threw them to the ground very roughly and exacted a violent vengeance that cannot now be described due to the criminal charges currently pending.
By my sainted aunt, virginal ninnies, a mighty thresh and flail then erupted above, shaking the pillars of Heaven to their very plinths. And, there's nothing worse than a pillar with a shaking plinth, I tell you, my namby-pamby twerps! Of course, marauding Mars was the cause of this raucous ruckus, letting forth blood-curdling screams and full-bodied clouds of vaporous flatulence as he raged into his own addlepate sign, that of Aries the Ram! Thus, having offended feloniously, you broke from your routine and began to associate with other felons, criminal types, sorcerers, occultists, sex-workers, morticians and tax consultants, taking a dark path that will lead you further into the shadows of nights and the freakish occultism of the eighth house. You will have had sex with a redheaded ditch digger or diamond cutter and invested in fireworks or a chilli plantation. As a New Moon came in cloddish Taurus, you fled to the hills to avoid prosecution, settling in a quiet, forested area, suitable to your pastoral proclivities. As mischievous Mercury played 'dodgem cars' with the Loony Nodes and idiot Uranus, you will have changed phone numbers or email, deceived various persons as to your whereabouts and had your letters redirected by carrier squirrel.
Thus we return to the present, just in time to catch the great Sol Invicti roll and clatter drunkenly into supple but perverted Gemini. We find you posing as a cheerful member of your new community, your dark side kept secret as you shop, travel by train, weed the garden and attend a knitting group. And so it is that life goes on for you, my tiny turnips! You smile and keep busy in the public eye but practice your own strange brand of erotic magic and felonious activity in the darkness of the closed rooms of your home. Mysterious figures come or go via the rear entrance (eek) after midnight. As mischievous Mercury slithers into slimy Cancer, you send out secret missives (by carrier squirrel) for a gathering of the peculiar, freakish or eccentric associates you have recently made. This will be held at your hidden home in the forest. Strange and dark matters will make themselves known there.
If you wish that it be made known to you just exactly what it is you're doing and why, kindly click here next time and read the drivel contained herein. Hail and farewell, O trollops of darkness!