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  • Nhill, holy city

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    The Oracle of Bitter Truth...
    Asperitus Speaks!

    Asperital Owl

    The Master Asperitus has by now almost recovered from his terminal ennui, but has been stricken on his couch of woe with the evils of modern life. This has led to his restructuring his monthly forecasts, with this page now a general forecast and the individual sign pages following on. The authorities in heaven are always falling victim to the malicious machinations of a gaggle of gruesome godlings, and The Master Asperitus, purveyor of perverse prognostications, is by no means immune as he flees to the shelter of a lavatory in Nhill, but then nor are the pitiful peasants who fall victim to the Zodiac Animals in the sublunary realm (that's you – ed.). Those of you who prefer a more hard-edged look at the stars will enjoy the monthly spittle, drool and crabby comments of Asperitus...

    Salutations, hoi polloi! Greetings to all the twelve from one who knows you better than you know yourselves. It is I, Asperitus, bard of baffle, prophet of piffle and haruspex of harangue! Attend me, little loonies and prepare to receive the dread dose of prognostications of a vile and bitter type, such a dosage as pertains to the coming month. Yea, verily, yea! Prepare thee now for Manic May, a cave of stygian horrors that will compel your nerveless pedal extremities on the tracks of tragedy. List to me and tremble in your tiny pantaloons for putrid planets are set to break wind in your general direction, submerging you one and all in a fury of foetid flatulence! This malodorous danse macabre begins at the beginning in a meeting that brings together the supple and loquacious messenger god with that most ancient of the elder horrors, grim Saturn, il vecchio diablo!

    OF MESSENGERS & MORTALITY

    Mischievous Mercury skitters into nitwit Gemini and rams the rude bit into the first handy recess he can find upon the person of the ghastly god of knobbly knees, aging bones, misery and ill-health. Thus, will a grievous depression fall upon the orb of this naughty world, causing vehicular mishaps, power blackouts, crashed computers, communications crises and equipment failure, as well as the breaking of pencils and the collapse of expensive hairdos. Hairdressers across the land will lose their minds (a mercifully brief process) due to the failure of their efforts and the dwindling strength of their gel and styling mousse. Minds burdened to the edge of insanity will topple over the brink and into a hellhole of nightmares and damnation as cargo cults pilfer cadavers for purposes too gruesome to name. And by my sainted aunt, what's this? Eek! The creaking god of savagery, sorrows and black despair then moves forward in nasty carping little Virgo, firing salvos of complaint with metronomic precision and pinpoint accuracy amongst a populace stretched beyond endurance.

    LUNATIC LUNATIONS

    And, as if that is not enough to satisfy the gibbering maw of Heaven and the gods for their banquet of human suffering, an appalling New Moon arrives in cloddish Taurus, creating chaos with cash flow and causing further waves of desperation to crash on the shores of this island Earth. As narcotic Neptune makes obscene congress with the Loony Nodes, persons will turn to drugs or alcohol, join weird cults, become artists (eek) or spiritual teachers (aargh) or simply sit staring from their windows hoping that all the nasty things will go away (ugh). As jolly Jupiter moves into perverse reverse in malodorous Capricorn, persons will puzzle over the meaning of life and wonder if they should seek scholastic wisdom or perhaps retire to the mountains and grow hemlock or mayhap travel to a distant land and live on apricots and strawberries picked by virgins. However, as marauding Mars clangs and clatters obscenely into loathsome Leo, fiery creatures dress in cheap and flashy clothes and spiv shoes, dance in a nauseatingly exhibitionist manner, paint murals on the run, barrel around the place boisterously, biff anyone in their way and pose with vain extravagance before a crowd too terrified not to applaud.

    UPON THE NODES OF LUNACY

    Still, there's nothing so bad that it cannot get worse and so the great Sol Invicti commits serial assail on cranky Chiron, narcotic Neptune and the Loony Nodes. This cosmic frenzy rips and ruptures the human community, tearing people apart, creating conflict, cults and rivalries, thus rending the very fabric of society to shreds. Great farting camels and dancing monkeys! What a to do! What a to do!

    Chaos erupts from all quarters of the globe as power blackouts cause benighted persons to worship electricity as a god while others pray to icons in the likeness of Abba, singing desperate pleas for succour to the tunes of Waterloo and Mama Mia. 'Uni-dexter' dancing is revived from the elder traditions of certifiable lunacy and performed in streets, avenues, lanes and city squares as rival factions form and fight under banners such as 'hopalong' and 'what is the sound of one boot kicking'. And yet the turbulent tides of tragedy are not done with, as a Full Moon glowers in morbid Scorpio, unleashing storms of fiscal failure and finagling, as well as fearsome fighting among the uni-dexter cults and a general desire among the populace to commit random acts of evil. Undertakers riot in the mortuary, sewer workers strike, blocking toilets across the land while accountants wander, dazed and bereft, claiming nothing adds up anymore. Distressed persons flock to see psychics and occultists for guidance while psychiatrists lose their marbles.

    The great Sol Invicti clashes and clatters in characteristically inebriated fashion into nitwit Gemini and immediately enters into vile congress with ghastly Saturn. Persons talk in a depressing manner, visit elderly or ailing authority figures and wonder what their lives have come to. Equipment and vehicles fail while some ghastly fellow poses as the god of electricity but manages only to blow his fuses in a desperate attempt to light up his lounge room. Business grinds to a standstill and idiot talk is made about the future. But still the heavenly fury is not expended.

    PERVERSE REVERSAL

    Yea will confusion reign among the mighty, the misbegotten, the maladjusted and the purveyors of fish for mischievous Mercury drops a cosmic u-turn then moves into perverse reverse in addlepate Gemini, clashing obscenely with Uranus, the idiot god and god of idiots, as he hovers precariously in the cosmos in wretched and snivelling Pisces. Break-ups, breakdowns, break-ins and break-outs will shatter any last remaining shreds of tranquillity on this gibbering gargoyle of a globe. Further vehicular nastiness will upset the applecart of travel while the wires of communication will fuse and burn in a hurricane of misunderstanding, confusion and obfuscating delay. Oh grim Saturn! Oh idiot Uranus! Oh great gods alive and dead!

    Longshoremen will take to drinking even more heavily (a most miraculous achievement) while chemical engineers will create new designer drugs to line their pockets and send the populace reeling into other realms. Charity workers will cheat and steal while charlatans will find god and seek to preach their new truth to the world. Angry motorists will besiege gasoline stations while Grimsby will disappear entirely and never be seen again, for no apparent reason. Persons will be institutionalized, spiritualists will gravitate to positions of power and someone will design a new penitentiary in the fashion of a maze, leaving those incarcerated there to wander ceaselessly until they expire from fatigue or confusion or both. Poets will rise to power while monks will fall from grace. Somnambulists will wander the streets and be figures of fun. A new religious leader will organize the Festival of Nine Sorrows, inviting everyone that wishes to enter, free of payment, and then weep unrestrainedly until their grief is expended. Of course, the creature surreptitiously locks the gates and charges everyone a fortune to leave, giving them something else to cry about, just when they thought the flood of tears was ended. As vamping Venus enters Gemini and gropes grim Saturn, everyone will be sick, lonely or broke and old people will have tragic experiences or be nasty.

    Now, as I have run out of good news and pleasantries, I suppose I will have to give you all a little advice on your personal destinies:

    To read the bitter, twisted words of Asperitus, click your sign in this table:
    Aries Taurus Gemini Cancer Leo Virgo
    Libra Scorpio Sagittarius Capricorn Aquarius Pisces
    Don't know your sign? Click here! If you know your rising sign, check our forecast for that sign too.
    To estimate your rising sign, click here


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    Those of you on the more spiritual path can read more about the true path of this great, if tragically flawed character...

    Now look here! Add us to your favorites right now before you forget, so you can come back each month to glean the wicked wisdom of Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth...

    Go to Top Many Are Called

    Many people are called on the path of enlightenment. Not all of those called can find their way. Of those who do begin the journey of awakened consciousness, many fall by the wayside.

    Thus, few ever enter the realm of the golden beings wherein resides the company of the chosen. Of this select few, only one has entered the gates of Heaven by means of insult, corruption and threats of physical violence. This one is Asperitus, runemaster, astrologer, enlightened being and misanthropic recluse.

    The Early Years

    His earliest years were spent in poverty and disillusion, yet his extraordinary spirit thrived as a precocious master of complaint. Then came his meteoric rise to stardom as a tyro of the tendentious tirade, commenting caustically on the lives of rich and poor, famous and nondescript alike. Here he became known as the "hammer of mediocrity" and gained a fearsome reputation for his exorbitant charges.

    This early pinnacle of success was followed (predictably for he knew it was coming) by a bitter pratfall from grace amid accusations of bribery and sexual misconduct (none of which were ever proven in court).

    The Four Ignoble Truths
    the pub in Nhill
    It may have been near this very pub, in Nhill, that Asperitus received his enlightenment!

    During the course of his public humiliation and financial ruin, Asperitus retired to a disused public lavatory in Nhill and devoted himself to the practice of meditation. It was here that he found enlightenment (it had fallen out of someone's back pocket when the lavatory was still in use). In a moment of astounding self-realization, Asperitus rejected the gift of inner peace (it was too bloody boring) and took up the path of the four ignoble truths. These state that -

    • All life is irritating.
    • One must acknowledge the irritation.
    • Having acknowledged the irritation, one must criticize it correctly.
    • One must acknowledge that all irritations are equal and therefore everything is equally irritating.

    Having left the lavatory in Nhill with his newfound wisdom, the master now set out to teach the way of the four ignoble truths. It was on his journey as a teacher of the way that he came to the doors of perception wherein he found the path of Vitriolic nastiness.

    This is a "nine day" meditation where the first three days are given to constant abuse and insult, the second three are then devoted to incessant complaint and the final three see the seeker retire into a resentful silence that will open the doors of Heaven. At least, they will for Asperitus, given what he charges for this fiasco.

    The Soul Of Humanity

    Throughout his career as a seer, Asperitus has always turned his evil eye upon the very soul of humanity and seen nothing worth mentioning, even in passing. Tragically, because of a compulsive need to comment upon everything and an obsessive love of the sound of his own voice, he has never been able to keep quiet about anything whatsoever that irritates him.

    As everything that lives and breathes irritates his esteemed personage, the stream of venom that flows from his gaping maw seems endless. You may bathe in it at this address as often as you wish. You may email the master if you're seeking rude and insulting guidance, though the cost will be high in both dollars and self-worth.


    contact Asperitus
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