Asperitus Casting Runes...
Greetings, you marvellous two-faced obscenities! May the coming year bring you all you deserve and a little bit more. Last month we left you in the throes of paralysis, in the midst of a crisis about your sexuality and at the mercy of everyone you've ever cheated or lied to. Perhaps I could just leave it at that for this month. But yet, there may be a way to make things even worse. We shall see! Hark to me, you perspiring, hyperactive children of the gruesome twin gods! Listen while I, Asperitus, the oracle of bitter truth, prognosticate on your vile and altogether repellent future.
As giant Jupiter in Cancer wrestles with the great Sol Invicti and Venus the goddess, stirring up matters in your solar second and eighth houses, your financial affairs are put under the microscope while you lie rigid in the deep freeze. The startling revelation to all concerned is that you never actually had any money in the first place as you were always in debt. And to make matters worse, you still have no money. Thus, any attempt to recoup the losses your wheeling and dealing inflicted upon others would be futile.
When Mercury the messenger moves into Aquarius and your solar ninth house, you conceive a cunning plan (in the frozen state) while your enemies are muttering and in disarray. As all odious air sign creatures seem to have a symbiotic and somewhat magical relationship with communication devices, you attempt to use your powers of thought (subdued laughter on my part) to send a text message to your hitman ex-lover on his mobile by telepathy.
After several days of fruitless efforts down this path, you at last find the right wavelength as Mercury conjoins with mystic Neptune while both make harmony with sober Saturn. In this message, you suggest that you would be much more likely to repay any outstanding debt to do with finance or sexual slavery if you were conscious and able to move (you move quite well even if your consciousness is nothing to write home about). You outline clearly the shallow and empty sense of triumph your enemies would find should you remain a multi-coloured ice block with an empty bank account. You further expand on some plans you have about make a million in the coming weeks, though of course you're lying as you normally do to get out of trouble. In reality, you don't relish the prospect of any of this but it's better than being frozen or dead or both. And, whilst awake and mobile, you have confidence in your ability to ultimately lie your way out of things or run away so quickly that no one can catch you.
As the NEW MOON comes in the sign of Capricorn, the assembled gathering of foes decides to accede to your suggestion. But, before they can do so properly, mighty Mars in Pisces squares the Lunar Nodes and several large and violent individuals arrive. These are the myrmidons of the sultan of the evil kingdom from whose clutches you recently escaped. As mighty Mars enters Aries and Mercury the messenger moves into retrograde motion, a fight to decide whose right to revenge takes precedence begins over your inert but slowly defrosting form. Popular as ever, little two faces!
Finally, as a raft of heavenly bodies moves into Aquarius and your solar ninth house, opposing the FULL MOON in Leo, the warring sides reach agreement. They decide to share the ownership of your odious person until all debts are paid and all humiliations are redressed. But, just as hands are being shaken and your own digital extremities begin to flex once more, mighty Mars makes cosmic mayhem with giant Jupiter and the doors to this prison of yours are flung open. Automatic weapons are cocked. Foreign voices resound through the air. Strong hands wrest your still struggling form from the bench where you lie and carry you off into the night. Whose hands are these, little two-faced wretches? Click here next month and see.
TIP FOR 2002: Chiron in Capricorn and your solar eighth house will create a crisis of sexuality for you. Sober Saturn in your own sign will continue to make it difficult for you to get away with things and shirk your responsibilities. But, as giant Jupiter moves into the sign of Leo and your solar third house in August, you'll still keep lying and bragging and probably buy yourself a new car.
Aries, the Ram
Taurus, the Bull
Gemini, the Twins
Cancer, the Crab
Leo, the Lion
Virgo, the Virgin
Libra, the Scales
Scorpio, the Scorpion
Sagittarius, the Archer
Capricorn, the Sea Goat
Aquarius, the Water Bearer
Pisces, the Fishes