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The Jaded Japes of July 2008

Hooray to you, bawling boofheads! Welcome to the nasty nuances of jaundiced July where the first cab off the rank is marauding Mars in vexatious Virgo. Under the grim shadow of this rancorous and reckless influence, you live on aniseed, smoke marjoram cigarettes, train your pet budgies to attack and build a spa in your backyard.

There follows a New Moon in Cancer that will see you talk in a drippy and affected manner whilst avoiding phone calls from your family. You will have business meetings in the spa and hire a troupe of foreign entertainers to brighten up the tedious discussion amongst the bubbles. You go into business, training attack budgies and marketing them to inner city apartment dwellers with psychopathic tendencies or security neuroses. You make a film of your product entitled THE ATTACK OF THE ATTACK BUDGIES and post it on the internet, exploiting avian violence for profit.

As the ghastly Full Moon comes in gloomy Capricorn, you become famous in countries you've never even heard of, eat a lot of foreign food and receive phone calls from international financiers. As the great Sol Invicti chases vamping Venus into lackwit Leo, you use your newfound riches to buy a house load of that clumpy furniture you love. You then spend your time sitting down and talking to your couch and wing chairs while the money rolls in. This is, of course, because you are losing your mind. You become delusional from eating too much sugar and fall in love with your standard lamp. What follows is too hideous to recount.

Sadly, there we must leave you to your own devices, including a novel use of the on/off switch. Ave atque vale, tiny boofhead types!

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